Friday, Oct. 27, 2023 - 8:00 pm.
My and Andrew's former professor, sort-of-boss and colleague passed away a year ago. I can't believe it. I can't believe she died. I can't believe it's been so little and so long since she's been gone.
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Today's a holiday and I greatly appreciate the day off. These two weeks have been hectic, working non-stop and somehow feeling like I'm not getting a lot of things done. I did a bit of work today but I quickly went into rest mode because why not. Work things are never as urgent as I believe.
Perhaps the most notable things that happened this week, work-wise, were, one, that I was invited to give a lecture on sexual orientation and gender orientation throughout the life cycle for master's students in the southernmost university of the continent. It was online, I couldn't travel that far (again, I went earlier this month) just for that.
Two, I was a moderator at a queer panel in an international conference hosted by my university. I resented not looking "queer" among all those activists and academics. I resented the possibility of being classified as straight. Nevertheless, I just went and did my job, which was holding the microphone and keeping the conference moving.
Plus, my students from the undergrad class I teach gave a presentation. They eagerly approached me afterwards to ask for feedback. That felt really nice. Plus, one of them is a non-binary student and talking to them gives me the chance to practice inclusive language. I'm not so used to doing that and it's harder in Spanish. Still, I managed to turn around a few sentences at the start of the presentations to focus not on people but on actions.
Also, not quite work-wise, but I went out for dinner with B, my mentor and colleague, and L, another friend/colleague. We work together as part of a research team and we help each other navigate the Game of Thrones that is uni life, particularly for female academics. This dinner was L's treat because she published a paper that the three of us co-authored and she got a "productivity incentive". We had a lovely night.
Anyway. Let's talk about the apartment!
We got the keys to our apartment this week and we've been to it a couple of times. Right now we're measuring furniture and rooms, and making plans and budgets. It's exciting. It's still scary all the money that goes into having a place to live, however. A part of me would have liked a house, but that passes once we start talking about fixing and filling spaces. An apartment is much more manageable to me, in terms of money and practicality.
Plus, once you go past the living room and dining room into the bedrooms (which are so roomy!), the views just make you feel like you've arrived home. From one of the windows, we have a Sheffield-like view of a few green hills and my heart melts. And on another window, we see a part of the city that isn't too bad. And lots of trees and some other hills.
I feel a little anxious about the change, but also I'm getting used to the idea of it. It's exciting! I feel grateful for the chance to be building our life with Andrew like this. We'll be in full nesting mode in November as we start moving in.
I appreciate things going well for us. Out there, the world is just terrifying. There's a genocide going on, two and maybe more if we also paid attention to the invisible continent. My home country fell apart last night due to a political move that's been in the works for years and which will sink the country even more in those to come. I wish my family could get out of there, but mostly I wish everyone who lived there was safe.
(Also, I've been missing my family a lot lately. It might be that I'm sorry I can't show them the apartment and share the joy face to face. I can hear the grief in my parents' voice when we talk about the apartment over the phone, and they say they'd like to travel and see it, because we all know they won't travel. Their bodies won't let them anymore. I hope my siblings do come visit at some point).
I often take comfort in the coziness of my life, but I fear how everything can just be ripped away from you in the blink of an eye. I have some sort of existential stress over this everyday. But it's no use losing sleep over it if it doesn't change anything (and it doesn't). The best I can do is stay informed, do what I can, and take regular breaks in between.
Let's end on a positive note: the views from our new apartment are just amazing.
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