Friday, Dec. 22, 2023 - 9:35 pm.
This has been such a stupidly chaotic week and I somewhat resent that, although this is just adulthood.
We finally got the kitchen renovated. Andrew had to work to home two days in a row while the team we hired worked on the kitchen. Well, it was two guys. Neither of them gave me straight vibes, especially the one who looked a lot like Freddie Mercury. They did a good job, except their cabinet measurements were off and we ended up with a sizeable gap between one piece of furniture and the fridge. Dude, your job is doing made-to-order furniture, you cannot mess up the made-to-order part!!! Andrew and I went to our local pub (we do that now <3) the night of their first day of work in our apartment and we got drunk and laughed out loud about that.
We can do a lot of things with that gap, though. We've watched enough videos on smart living in small apartments and we have so many ideas. We can fit the trash can and the broom in that gap, it's not so bad!
We have a new kitchen, then. It feels like a new place. We have to rearrange our stuff, get rid of some of it, work a bit on storage options and levels and racks. It's very exciting in a mundane kind of way.
Another thing I slightly resent is not being able to enjoy the holidays like I think I should. This is on me, I still seem to be expecting that I'll get a lot of free time to bask in the holiday cheer like I used to when I was younger. No. It was a workday today, although we worked from home as uni seemed very much dead since yesterday.
I have a scary long list of work-related commitments that thankfully I can put away until January. Say, I got offered an important post in the Social Sciences Faculty as coordinator on a gender committee, on top of everything that I already do, but I'll probably say yes because it's a chance to do something new. I could list of all the other things that await my return in January but it's best to forget about work and just dive into the holidays...
...which at this point in my life also entails remembering the dead. It completely slipped my mind that yesterday was the anniversary of one of my dearest cousins passing away from COVID-19. Tomorrow is Andrew's brother's 9th anniversary, too, though presumably he died because he chose to (or so we hope). And the 25th is the birthday of another cousin who also passed away from COVID-19.
Tomorrow we'll pay our Christmas visit to Andrew's parents in their town. Andrew's mom had a panic attack today and she ended up in the hospital. Understandable. I'll never forget how broken she was when she got the news of her son's death. She was broken in her gaze, in her speech, in her mind... she got into a loop of literally forgetting that her son had died and so I had to keep giving her the news over and over like in a nightmare.
We'll go tomorrow and celebrate life, I guess, for us and for those who had to leave earlier.
I'm happy I left Christmas presents for my parents when I went to visit in July (got presents for my siblings too -books for everyone!- but they opened them right away XD). But I ruined the surprise my mom had prepared because I reminded my dad about the presents. It turns out my mom had been keeping my dad's present a secret so she could surprise him on the 24th. I honestly don't remember if I only told my mom about the presents, but if I told both of them (I think I did) my dad would have forgotten anyway and it would've been a surprise. Ah, crap. I could hear over the phone that my mom was disappointed after my dad asked him about the present (XD) but I hope they still open them on the 24th and enjoy them.
I'm looking forward to a quiet Christmas with Andrew. A delicious meal prepared by him, opening presents, hanging out in our new apartment with a drink in hand. The holidays are always a time for me to split my heart in half, but this time I chose to stay with Andrew both on Christmas and New Year and I could tell he appreciated it. He's always there to encourage me to travel and spend the holidays with my family, and he saw me hesitate last month when I learned all of my siblings would be with my parents for New Year's Eve. But Andrew's my family too, and we just finally got a place to call our own. So whatever I choose -staying or traveling- it will both be heartbreaking and the best decision I could make.
Anyway, Andrew and I are planning on traveling to my home country in May, when we have a mid-semester break in uni. Another thing that made me be at peace with my decision of staying this holiday season was that my parents want me to bring Andrew with me, so they seem keen on waiting to see me if it means he comes with me. I'm lucky neither part (Andrew nor my parents or siblings) pressures me into choosing where to spend the holidays. Both choices mean being at home with my family.
For next week, Andrew and I have social engagements nearly everyday. It's nice. We still have to work a bit, but we want to spend some time in our apartment and hanging out with friends. I want to work on my cartoons and writing, find myself again and my happy place. I haven't thought much about the adoption process, nor seeing toys has pained me as much as it did last year. I mentioned this last entry but next Friday the adoption office will tell us if we're "fit to be parents" (such bullshit).
The holidays just get more complicated as I age, but I'm thankful for all I have to celebrate. I often feel impotent and guilty over so many things happening in the world, I just try to stay informed and share information and make a donation here and there. Also, these holidays bring a lot of nostalgia and heartbreak at times for me, but I keep in mind that for the most part those feelings mean that I had a lot of joy in my life. Hell, I still have a lot of joy in my life. I'm really lucky.