Friday, 01/10/03 - 8:35 pm.
Today at the UCA we got to watch a video about the UCA martyrs. Then we had a a recess, and my classmates (the the "UCA classmates from the ESJ", except for Ern) and I went to a small museum dedicated to them. I almost cried there. The UCA martyrs were jesuits, killed by the Army during the civil war. I looked at their pictures, their life, their clothes stained with blood...I looked at their faces, and that's when I almost cried. I thought of how much I'd love to meet them. I thought of much we need people like them right now.
There were other martyrs there, too. It's a small room, with different objects. Some were owned by the martyrs and half-destroyed by the Army (like burned theology books), and some of their belongings. Pictures of all kinds (helping people, having a good time, places where they were killed...).
I was impressed by everything. I was sad, too. Pissed off. How the ones who run this country are trying to bury the truth and say nothing happened, and everything is just great.
Don't even get me started.
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One cut a day, like a vitamin. But I won't tonight. I have quite a few right now, and I'll let them heal. Last night I cut my ankle, and...I discovered I like nursing my wounds. It's part of cutting. You cut yourself, you bleed, you clean it up.
My mom made my dad buy burgers for dinner. Because you've been asking for it for so long...and that's gonna be your birthday present from me.
Geee, thanks mom.
It's not my birthday yet. But I'm glad she listened to me. We don't eat burgers too often, and that happens to be my favorite junk meal. Well, it's not the burger, it's the entire deal: burger, french fries, soda and apple pie. Take one of those elements out (DON'T YOU EVER FUCKIN' DARE) and you've ruined my life.
Which happened. I didn't get french fries, because my mom said there were fries at home. I'm very touchy when it comes to the four-elements deal, so I got a little upset at first. But when I got home and started eating, I forgot about it. Apple pie?....it was good. Apple pie is.....is essential in my recipe for a happy, spiritual life. Leave me alone.
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You want to hear something good? ISAWHIMYESTERDAY! HESAWMEYESTERDAY!
I arrived to the UCA earlier. And I was walking around, looking for people (him, specially). I ran into several friends (Cory, Shaq'a...even with Art, who doesn't even study there). But Veronica, Norman, Celina and D were nowhere to be found.
It's 12:30...they get out between 12:15 and 12:25...I almost made it...
I stood around, talking to some friends (Art, QB, Cory...), and D's coming out of the cafeteria. I look around, and act like I haven't noticed. He approaches, and says hi to everybody. He raises his hand for me to hold it, and we hold each other's hand while he's shaking other people's hands. Then he just pats me on the back (voice in my head: whatthefuck?) and goes away.
I thought about it, and at the end of the afternoon, I came to a conclusion. I felt nothing. I felt nothing coming from him. I was just somebody else from school he ran into. I got no feeling from holding his hand, and he barely looked at me. And I realized: he's completely gotten over me.
What did I feel? From him, I didn't feel anything, but inside me, I felt...I don't know how to explain it. It was beyond disappointing.
Yes, Simeon. Pretty much like this.
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You wanna hear something better? ISAWHIMTODAY! HESAWMETODAY!
I went to the UCA even earlier today. And I met up with some friends at the cafeteria. It was like I was at school, the ESJ: so many people I know.
And then...Norman walks in. With him. I act (again) like I haven't noticed, and suddenly I feel his hands on my shoulders. I say hello to them, and we start talking, the three of us, standing around near tables that were already occupied by friends.
Minutes later, we sat at an empty table nearby. He sat next to me, and Norman sat in front of us. I was happy. I was with my friends. We talked about a lot of things, and specially pregnancy, because a girl from our school (who graduated with us) is pregnant (!!!). I told them I will never have babies. Like I said to them, I don't like the idea of a banana coming in, let alone a watermelon coming out 9 months later.
Etc.
At times I had the feeling he was staring at me. Because of his position on the table. I don't know. One can only hope.
One thing though, is that he grabbed my arm and slid his thumb down the scar on my left arm. It was quick, I barely noticed. Also, I think Norman noticed some scars, too. We were laughing at something one of us said, and suddenly he looked at my arm and stopped laughing and looked the other way. I didn't want them to see them. I really don't care what they think about my cutting, I just don't want people to think I do it for attention.
Anyway, I had a great time with them. Everything was perfect, just the three of us, talking in our own way, just like the old times (Am I that old already?!?!).