Thursday, 03/13/03 - 1:52 pm.
I don't know how this should be called. Or if it does have a name of its own.
Last night, on my way home from the UCA I wanted to cry. I'm not sure why. I was thinking about a lot of things and I was seeing a lot of things I don't like to see because I can't do anything to fix. I could finally break down in my bedroom. I felt exhausted, with no will to be conscious.
I'm sure it's not called depression. I still can pretend I have a reason to get out of bed. I still can fall asleep, even if I've cried for some time before. I still refrain myself for cutting, thinking my family doesn't deserve that scare. And I don't need medication. I know depression is much more complex than this.
Whatever it is, I HATE my life as it is now. My day is filled with meaningless holes.
I wake up at 6:45. I get ready for driving lessons from 8 to 9. I do practically nothing until 3:30 that I go to college (there's not a lot of homework, just some reading). I come back at 8:45 and then I talk to Cel and Victor (and ocassionally Mikey) on the MSN messenger. I fall asleep at 12 o'clock.
And it's stupid. It's a dumb way to go through life. When I wake up at 6:45 am and when I go to bed at 11:15 pm I feel I'm wearing myself out. But THAT'S A FUCKIN' LIE, because if you omit the fact that I get up too early and fall asleep too late (which is the only time in my day when I actually feel tired), you'll understand how boring, miserable and uneventful my life is.
And I hate that. I just want to die.
In the morning I bitch, in the afternoon I am...ok, and at night I break down.
When I'm "happy" it's because of the time being. Because someone (most likely Victor) said something funny. It's a temporary feeling. But I'm not happy about my life. I AM NOT HAPPY.
Norman e-mailed me a couple of days ago. He got a scholarship, and he's probably going to Kansas. That brought me down. I mean, I'm happy for him. He truly deserves it, he's a brilliant young man. And as for distance, I'll probably get used to it in a couple of days....you see, he lives around 7 blocks away from my house, but it's not like we visit each other. I haven't even seen him in a couple of months now.
The problem is me. It's kind of hard when you see all the things you've wished for yourself are being given to someone else. I often hear "oh, that person is doing this", "yes, she is getting to do it" and I go "damn, that dream was mine". I wanted a scholarship to get away from here (not JUST to get away from here, obviously...but that's an important element). But for undisclosed reasons (basically because I'm retarded) I was never given the chance to even get the chance to apply for one.
I wholeheartedly hope everything turns out ok for him, and that he gets to accomplish his dream. Like I said, he DOES deserve it. I don't, so meanwhile, I'll rot here. But that's ok, no one cares.
I don't want to go to class today...or any other day. I want to stay home. No...no, I don't. I want to be left alone and be mourned the day I die.
How is this called? Does this have a name? I know it's not being depressed, it's not being bipolar. But "Mood swings" and "low self-esteem" don't convince me either. Is there something in between those groups?
You know what, I don't care its fuckin' name, the point is I feel (I am) a failure and I just wish I'd never been born.
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