Thursday, 01/01/09 - 4:35 pm.
I had a miserable New Year's Eve. On the inside, that is, because on the outside I was with my family, smiling. It was kind of lame, though, getting dressed up and having all that fancy food, when it was just the same people who get together every weekend or so: parents, sister and nephew #2, brother #3 and his wife, and me.
Even worse, the internet wasn't working so we couldn't communicate through webcam with my other two brothers + family in Houston, which is something I'd been looking forward to. It was the only thing that had me mildly excited about last night. I gathered all my strenght to be patient and say what I said in my last entry: you can't always get what you want. Still, I thought there was some kind of conspirancy of the universe against me. I value my family very much and they're not a source of holiday stress for me; quite the contrary, they've proven to be soothing for my swollen ego. And last night, more than any other night of 2008, I needed to be in touch with my entire family.
I've been thinking of clearing with Joseph once and for all if this is still a waiting period or if he really did give up on me. But my eyes get watery when I think of asking him, because I fear the answer. I'm a coward, forgive me. This morning I thought it would be a good time to change my Facebook relationship status (you might recall it's the only thing that keeps me attached to him). But later on, I thought that maybe I was overreacting, that if he hasn't said a further comment we're still on a break. But then I look at the facts and I see a strong discrepancy.
I know. I can only find out if I ask him. But I'm so scared of asking him.
Yesterday I thought all day about going to his house to see his parents. I refused in the end, because him, by kicking me out on christmas, however gently and gentleman-like, made clear that my presence wasn't required. Like, I'm welcome to come to the house (it's "my" house, he said) but I cannot stay. Then why go? I know his parents would love for me to go, but I wasn't going to marry his parents, so they're not the primary reason. I'd hate to make him even more uncomfortable than he already is. I thought of going today, hoping to find him asleep and just greet his parents. But the same reasoning was applied.