Wednesday, 02.17.10 - 7:55 pm.
My scholarship applications are coming along. I've taken my time but by now I see progress and it's only a matter of weeks for submission. Two or three weeks, I think. I'm only missing two reference letters (out of six!), a medical exam and a couple of essays. If I were THAT inclined, I could finish it in a couple of days. But I get sluggish and my attention span dies quickly.
Like right now. I'm not very inspired. I'm discouraged by my job and on top of everything I'm getting responsabilities I don't want. Gosh, I wish I could walk away from that shit. I tell myself that a shitty job is better than no job at all, but I swear I want to cry and quit inmediately.
After this morning's frustration - hopping on the wagon of a sucky project I don't want-, at least I had lunch with Joe to look forward to. Strangely enough, I wasn't that excited. I suppose time has done its part and I'm cured from my crush on him.
That's not to say it wasn't great seeing him. We work seven houses away from each other, we have been neighbors for two months without knowing. He waited for me next to my car and we went for pizza around the corner, across the street.
We caught up on stuff, like work and his music-making, and I tried to explain him how clinical psychology works. The pizza was awesome, too. When we were walking to my car he asked me about Joseph. I told him we'd need another lunch for me to tell him the whole story, but I gave him some general bullets on the topic. Nothing you haven't heard already.
So that was it, that was our lunchtime. It feels strange not having a crush on him anymore but that's also a weight off my back. Quite the contrary, I felt sad. To this moment, I still feel sad. Why would that be, I'm not so sure.
I suppose at the back of my mind I had JC. Not Joseph...maybe I'm still mourning JC and I feel sad because he's not around anymore, and I still haven't digested that entirely. A part of me still waits for a phone call. Having him around was incredible. JC and Joseph are very different from each other but I considered both an awesome match for me. Maybe JC a bit more than Joseph. I adored JC's sense of humor.
I came home and found a text message from the guy that always wishes me a happy lunch. It irked me. I'm sick of him. Art is a piece of shit, Joseph is nearly dead to me, JC is gone, and I don't want anyone else around right now. I'm sick of hurting. Art, JC and Joseph per se are not hurting me at the present time, given I am not talking to them, but I'm carrying the wounds they gave me. I can't shake them. I'm paralyzed by the unfairness of it all.
I live distracted from this pain, because my life isn't just that. I don't think much about it but when I go back and revisit the facts, they hurt as much as they did before. And I get angry because I let them get away with playing with me, lying to me, parading their shiny new lives free of me in my face like I didn't have any feelings.
I don't have much to look forward right now, except maybe getting my new tattoo. The rest is working on annoying scholarship applications and my miserable job. I try to stay positive, I believe that's the way to go. I try to stay positive, writing and meeting up with friends, but at times it's so hard. I swear it is so hard.
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