Friday, 07.02.10 - 11:34 am.
I started July with a knot in my stomach, when yesterday morning I checked my e-mail and one message was from Facebook, with Joseph's name in it. My mind raced for a matter of nanoseconds until I read the rest of the subject: "suggessted you like..." some shit about Toy Story's subliminal message.
I breathed out with relief. These suggestions are sent out in bulk, you hit "Select All" and that's the end of it (somebody else suggested me the same thing later). He may not even remember he stills has me on his list.
But of course, such a reminder of him messed with my head the whole day. I shrugged off the fact that, apparently, he had sent me something. But I couldn't shrug *him* off, so I spent the day arguing with him over everything, from him calling the break-up "a time off", which kept me in agony for four months, to how he just doesn't care he devastated me.
I know I'm not the first girl in History that is thrown aside like a rag doll after years of a promising relationship, in favor of another girl that comes out of nowhere and makes the guy happy forever after. But it still kills me. What he did still kills me and he doesn't even know it. And if he did, he wouldn't care. He'd tell me to get over it or something.
This week has been hard for me, I've felt like shit. I count my blessings, of course: yesterday afternoon was all about clinical psychology. I got to meet W at the clinic and we reviewed one my cases. Then I had a patient. Then I went to see my advisor on another case (JC's cousin). In the evening, I came home to a nice meal, to my home. And, I brought money home, money I made from my profession. There's also a chocolate bar from Switzerland that my boss brought me from Geneva, waiting for me. I know what I have, I'm infinitely thankful for it, I work as hard as I can to keep it going, and I know it's a foundation for better things to come, if I keep working.
But I still found myself wishing to die. I don't think I want to die, really, but I feel stuck and I feel lonely. I isolated myself a bit during this week and nice things happened, although they don't really relate to me isolating, except for a few people on Twitter asking for me. I received a couple of awesome messages on Facebook (one of them was from Rod playing interview, if I am what I eat, I am sweet and salty, because sometimes I want coffee and sometimes I want fries; for some reason, that answer made me happy), JC called me, and even Joseph sent me something, albeit unadvertedly, albeit it was some crap that I ignored.
Even Sam sent me a message, "How are you, gorgeous?", and said that he'd been thinking of me. We exchanged a couple of messages but I took everything as it is, so when I sent him a reply and I didn't hear back from him, even though I'd asked him a question, I didn't care. I can't care about these things anymore.
Maybe it all comes down to the fact that I want attention but, fuck, from whom? From Joseph? Makes sense, nobody plagues my mind like he does. Even before I saw his name in my inbox yesterday, the whole week I've thought about him with strong emotions. In fact, these days that I've gone to bed, I've felt like crying and it's about him and how better off he is without me. I'm so angry and hurt and humilliated and impotent. I don't want to see him ever again, I don't care how he is. I still have strong feelings for him. Positive and negative feelings alike. I miss him a lot, after all this time. But I pray to never see him again. So why would I want his attention? How does that changes things, anyway?
Perhaps this kind of isolation is just a way to commit a temporary suicide. It's all in my head, though, nobody cares that much if I tweet or I update my status or I chat. The people that does care has other ways to contact me. Perhaps I'm not trying to accomplish anything, I'm just doing what I feel like. And I feel like shit. It's caught me by surprise but it's not that peculiar. I've grown a lot these years, cognitively, but I've always thought there's something depressive about my nature. And currently I am downhearted by my job, the lack of scholarship opportunities, and my not entirely satisfying social life. And Joseph. What he did still hurts a lot.
But, on brighter news, I'm quitting my job at the end of July. I told my bosses today. One of them was kind enough to say he could recommend me to a friend that just started at some NGO. They've taken it lightly, they understand it's about me wanting to grow in my field, and it seems they think I've done a good job. I'm worried about having no stable and decent income for a while but I can manage with my savings. While something comes my way, I'll volunteer. I don't want to have that much free time. I'm a bit scared but excited about leaving this behind and of the possibilities ahead.
I swear everyday this week I had an entry in my head, and I'm not happy how this one turned out because I feel I've left many things out. But they'll come out eventually, if they're that important. See, Joseph does come back and kicks me in the stomach from time to time. He's still important to me. But I suppose I also have to pull myself out of this hole.
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