Sunday, 01.22.2012 - 6:47 pm.
So I'm 27 now. I spent my birthday remembering that about 10 years ago, I used to say and even wish I'd die at this age...silly, emo me. I was emo when that word didn't even exist. Anyway, I got nervous and feared that the weird painless headache I was having the day before my birthday was going to be my ticket out of this life. But hey, here I am (still)!
I spent my birthday surrounded by classmates and friends, but because that day there were thesis project presentations all day long. In fact, I presented first. I was bombarded with questions but I still think I did ok, and my peers told me I was very clear and seemed confident the whole time. I also had a social psychology exam that evening and I didn't do that well, but fuck it.
That aside, Andrew made me pancakes for breakfast and took me out to have sushi for dinner, such a wonderful man. He made my day. I also got a lot of love from family and friends, as well as books, chocolates, and a beautiful daily planner.
From thursday to saturday, my class had to attend all presentations. We had kind of agreed that on saturday evening we'd get together to celebrate the end of the semester as well as my birthday. We got the word around, but judging by the mood after two exhausting weeks of academical work, I figured not a lot of people would show up.
In the previous week, I'd spent some time wondering whether to do something or not to celebrate. I said yes, 'cause I can. I said no, I don't know how to throw parties, I barely know how to attend them. So last night, only four people showed up. I could have felt bad because it was about my birthday, but I didn't take it personally since everyone was tired and stuff, and even if I did take it personally, I know I didn't plan it thoroughly and in advance. So I didn't mind that much and still had a good time. It was a calm evening with closest friends, just like Andrew and I like it.
Last night I had the weirdest dream about Joseph, since he wasn't in it. You know, when I dream of him, I get hopeful that it's mutual but then I return to reality and accept (hardly) that leaving me wasn't a big deal to him, compared to the life-changing event that was reconnecting with the woman that became his wife. Also, I tell myself I could still be idealizing him a little bit, because frankly, as much as I love him, I wouldn't want to return to those times with him, considering how awesome my life is right now (and how, I believe, worked hard and endured a few things to make it so).
Anyway. This dream wasn't about him but about his wife. She sent me a letter, and in the opening paragraph she was thanking me and thanking Joseph for...I can't remember the words, but it was like we had done something good for her. Not a specific thing, just something that we did turned out to be of her benefit. By the opening of the second paragraph, I thought the letter was going to be an apology to me for getting in the way of my relationship, but she just told me the story of her life as an excuse for...something. I didn't quite get what she was excusing herself for.
The dream wasn't emotional for me, it was more like a WTF moment. But it did affect my mood this whole morning, and had me very sad and bitter. I woke up to making love to Andrew, but after this wonderful parenthesis, the thoughts of Joseph kept haunting me.
I thought he'd write me on my birthday, since he'd written for christmas. I wasn't hopeful and it's a good thing he didn't. But I was hoping for an opportunity to reply to him with a three-line paragraph that expressed my sorrow, ending with a "leave me alone". I know, if I want him to leave me alone, I've gotten my wish already. I suppose I've just never have closure and so I'm always feeling that many things were unsaid and are killing me.
One of these days that I was stuck hearing thesis presentations all day, I started to remember the last time I was at his house. It was January 16th or 17th, three years ago (it's written in here). It was his dad's birthday and he told me to come over so we could "clear up" that when he said "take a break" he meant "break up". Oh, jeez, thanks. Four months after you're living with someone else, but yeah.
That day, he warned me that his then girlfriend could come over at any minute and she might get all over him just to spite me or something. That day, I told him he was going to marry her, I told it like a fact and see, I wasn't wrong. I didn't want to leave though, all I wanted to do was to beg him to please don't break up with me (again, that was a pitiful stage I should and could have gone through four months earlier had he told me the truth). In the end, I heard some footsteps and fearing it would be her, I rushed out of Joseph's house. It wasn't her, luckily. But I was still forced to leave forever the place that once was my home, ashamed and brokenhearted, with my tail between the legs.
So, worse, not only I remembered all that in the middle of a thesis presentation; I also started to imagine what could have happened had she really come home while I was there. A few images of it and tears piled up. I realized I'd lost control of my thoughts and emotions, and tried to return to the presentation.
Something similar happened this morning, until the present and my reality made me snap out of it. Andrew got one of those collective coupons to shop at a lingerie store. Initially he said it was a gift for the both of us, but he isn't like that and told me to just think of me and buy whatever I wanted. I actually thought of the two of us, but I was the winner. These things are so pretty and comfortable.
This is new to me, shopping for this kind of things, materially encouraged by my boyfriend. I wouldn't say I bought lingerie as much as I bought pretty underwear (and a dress), though. The store wasn't expensive and Andrew got a lot of credit, so I was a little worried, but my purchase covered the expenses. Andrew got this deal in december, but I told him to consider it my birthday present.
I'm actually quite pleased with all I got, it's very comfortable and -dare I say it- cute. And I don't want to make the same mistakes I made with Joseph, considering I'm not a very sexual person. Andrew proposes ideas very shyly, afraid of making me feel pressured, and while I take my time to assimilate the idea, I end up going along, which has brought nothing but joy to the both of us. Never in my life, for instance, I thought I'd own a sex toy or very specific undergarnments. Oh, teh lulz.
After a very heartbreaking morning and an afternoon of shopping, I hope to spend a quiet evening with my Andrew. Now that the semester is coming to an end, we get to focus on two things: going on vacation to Chiloe island (HOLYSHIT, YAY!) and planning our future, as in, where we're heading after my scholarship is up in exactly one year.
Exciting times ahead, I'm telling you.*
*Exciting for my standards. I'm actually, it seems, a very dull person.
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