Friday, 9/04/02 - 5:15 pm.
I didn't get to cut myself last night. Basically, because of this: I made an Aerosmith mix tape, for Geovanni (the psychology teacher). I was way too pumped up to be depressed.
I cut myself this morning, though. But today was much better than yesterday. I could sense it from the moment I looked at my closed window (you can see the colors of the dawn through the glass). Outside it wasn't dark. It was blue and shiny.
I was still a bit frustrated because of the photocopies. It was a long thing to read (the bones, the muscles, the glandles, the human reproduction systems, the digestive system and the skin), and everything is really complex, but it was mostly just memorizing. Adri didn't have it, so I suppose I lost it. I did think of that possibility yesterday when I was blaming her, but I was so upset I needed someone to blame.
After all, I suppose I didn't do that bad. I studied from Cel's photocopies in the morning. After the exam, I spent time with her, and with the Obese Girl and Sophie.
- Cel: let's go sit over there.
- Obese girl: Nah, I don't want to. We'll sit somewhere else...see ya!
Cel and I went to sit "over there", on the benches, to see 22 seniors play some new kind of soccer...it's soccer, but in a basketball court. It's really funny.
- Me: you know what I like about you, the Obese Girl and my other friends? (meaning my "new friends")
- Cel: what?
- Me: that we have enough individuality and confidence to say "no, I don't want this" and do what we want. Like the Obese Girl just did...she didn't follow us around whining: "let's go somewhere else", like other people would have done. She didn't made us follow her either.
I later said the same to the Obese Girl, and she said I'm really cute. Most people would've been offended, but to me it was more like some...I don't know if there's a word to describe it. But I liked it. It was like "you do what you want and so will I. But you know you still mean the world to me".
I saw Denver with a group of girls and then walking alone, like looking for someone. Norman was absent today, he's out of town until sunday. I wondered if he would've approached if I were alone. Probably not. And that'd have crushed me. So probably it was better this way. I can't quite get used to the idea I don't exist for him.
After a few minutes, I asked Cel to go upstairs, to the hallways, to look for Geovanni. I wanted to give him the tape. He wasn't around, but Cel asked me to lend her my lit notebook to copy something.
We went to the green tables. I just watched her working. She'd stop writing to talk to me, and we actually had a great talk. I feel she's the only who understands me, and who truly appreciates the things I appreciate. We're not together all the time, and I do miss her, but I feel good knowing she's good wherever she's to be at (with Art, most of the times). The fact that we're not stuck together like siamese twins -all the time, and "God forbid you leave me"- it's a plus.
It must've been though that Veronica and Carmen thing...most people would've made a big scandal out of this, but you...you kept it cool, and still get the pleasure to treat them once in a while they way they treated you. I smiled. Without living in denial, she always finds the good side of everything.
That moment was amazing. Probably one of the best moments of my life. For no reason. I was with my best friend, probably the only real best friend I've ever had. I was with her, talking about things no one but her would get, sitting at a concrete green table, under the shades of the huge trees, with the sun shining and pieces of blue sky peeking through the branches.
Then I saw Geovanni walking by, on his way to his office. I followed him. I wanted to go behind him without a noise but a few people stopped him on his way. I kept on walking and stood in front of his office door, waiting for him. We said hello and then I said I brought you something...I remember you once told me you hadn't heard of Aerosmith, so...here. I handed him the tape. He was really...something between grateful and surprised. We've never exchanged more than a few words, and that seldom happens. But if you met him, you'd understand why I admire this man so much, I wish we could've been friends.
After all those events, it was 8:30 am. The rest of the day was pretty much uneventful, but I was happy. Happy-happy. The simple happiness, when you're happy because the sky is blue, or because you were with one of your favorite people.
I got Denver's birthday present today. His birthday is on november 4th, but I just wanted to have it as soon as possible. It's a burned Nine Lives copy. I feel kind of dumb for getting him such thing. We're not friends. But I remember the day I was IMing him and my dad walked in the room with a copy of O, Yeah! Aerosmith Ultimate Hits, as a gift to me. I told him about it and he said: how cool. I've never been given a CD. Maybe he has. Maybe he meant he'd never received one from his parents or something. The truth is, ever since he told me that, I couldn't get rid of the idea of giving him one.
How lame of me.
I came home (after school) and took a long nap. My mom is nice. I'd woken up after the nap, and told her I was still tired, and she said well, it's very good that you rest. One of the qualities of my mommy is that she believes in the power of taking a break. The good thing about me (eh, hear my self-esteem talking) is that I work by myself, and I don't need anyone to be pushing me to do my homework. My mom sees I work hard, by conviction. So when I take a break and take a long nap and don't do anything -like this afternoon- she says it's good that I rest.
The blue sky has disappeared and there's a terrible storm coming. I'm drinking chocolate milk. I have four scars in my arms, but for the time being, I'm not feeling that bad. I do feel overwhelmed, because I have a lot of homework, I only have two more weeks of school and the UCA applications are available from this monday on, until november. I'm about to go into the transition of high school to college. It's a bit scary, but not as depressive as I thought it'd be, last year around this time.
- Me: I feel like...I don't know, I get the feeling there's a comet hitting earth.
- Cel: Why, dear?
- Me: Pretty soon, life as we know it will end.
Vic said that today was my last october 4th at school. I nearly panicked. I know I'm going to start saying: this is the last day I do this, this is the last time I do that...that's how I react when I realize things that are part of my routine will never happen again.
Right now everything is cool, except that public hospitals are on strike. And my brother (Alan) is part of the union. Things are getting heated up in this country, but at least they're not letting the president get away with this. My family says this is the worst system we've ever had. The media doesn't help, because they twist everything. My brother is constantly on the news because he's one of the "heads". Boy, is this turning interesting...
Other than that...I had a happy day. I spent time with the people I love, I didn't have further contact with the people that bring me down, the day itself was great...I can see october taking over. But it won't be october completely until the day is clear and windy.
No, no, no...keep it. It's yours. One can't go around the world ignoring what Aerosmith music is like.
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