32 and out.
Saturday, 01.21.2017 - 12:21 pm.

I finished off my 32nd(!) birthday coming out to Andrew as bi. His reaction was "huh", we talked a bit about it and then we went to sleep. A few days earlier I'd sent him this article, about a woman coming out to her husband, but he'd missed it. I'd found that article when I was in Houston and it helped me a lot, but I didn't dare to send it to him from there.

I didn't think coming out to him would be a problem. It didn't take me long to do it either, but it was eating me up inside while I kept putting it off, I wanted to tell him badly. I couldn't stop thinking of all the people that have to come out in a hostile or uncertain environment. I wasn't sure what Andrew's reaction would be but I thought he'd take it nicely. He did. He was like "Really? How did you figure that out?".

In Houston, I also told my sister. But that was because she told me that a few months ago my nephew #2, her son, had approached her crying. He told her sobbing that he was bi and  he apologized for disappointing her. My sister is smart and compassionate, a very decent human being; she was far from disappointed, she was proud of him. She's always accepted him and loved him unconditionally, always has told him to be who he is and be happy, and this time it wouldn't be an exception. So I told her I was bi too, and I was sorry I couldn't talk to my nephew about that; it was his decision to tell his mother first though. My sister's reaction to me was less than a "huh". For her it's none of her business as long as we're happy and true to ourselves (I can expect that from her and Brother #3. The rest of the family might prefer not to know).

The problem with my nephew, or rather for my nephew, is the environment he's in. His father, in a few words, is all toxic masculinity. Shortly after he stopped living here with Andrew and me and went back home, my nephew uploaded a picture of him wearing red-red lipstick (we'd been watching Rocky Horror and Hedwig and the angry inch here, I was happy to see him interested in those stories). My sister knows his father told him something about it but my nephew said he didn't want to talk about it, and it's easy to assume it went pretty bad.

My nephew still will not start college until next year, hoping he'll be accepted in Costa Rica in a music program. My sister wants him out of the country in the meantime. I too started fearing even more for him since I talked to my sister in December. I'm not sure how open he is with his sexual orientation and in what contexts but I do fear for him, I know my sister does too. He's still privileged, in comparison to many queer kids in our country, but still. If he can be out of that hellhole while he waits to start university, it'd be great.

So he's coming back here!!! We spoke to him this week, Andrew and I. I still have to talk to my sister but the plan is that he comes here for a few months, finds something to do like he did last year, and then returns in time to carry his university application in Costa Rica. He'll be safer and freer here and he'll get to dye his hair, which sounds silly but I know how much he wants that.

I wasn't planning on coming here and talking about my nephew but there you go. I do worry I'm sort of outing him by talking about this here, though clearly this whole diary speaks of issues other than mine, issues of people I care about. I'm sorry, I have no excuse to follow up on such indiscretion.

Ok, my birthday. On Thursday, we babysat a dog, I got my first (and only so far) participant for one of my studies, Andrew cooked a fancy lunch, and I got a tattoo appointment. All that in half a day. Andrew got me a beanie hat, gloves that resemble paws, and the deposit for the tattoo. We finished the day off playing with the dog on the top of the hill we live in and eating cake. I got a lot of love from friends and my family as well. It was a beautiful day.

Tonight I have a birthday party. Well, more like a get-together, a bunch of friends coming over. I debated whether I wanted to do something or not. I didn't do anything last year and I was fine but, you know, I have friends here now so why the hell not. It's mostly an excuse to see them and get stuffed on chips. My crush M will not be able to make it but I have yet another crush on A, who is coming. Look, life has placed women who take my breath away in my path lately, this isn't my fault.

I've been feeling particularly amazing with myself these past months, and indeed my relationship with Andrew has become stronger, if possible. It shows that I feel great, it started showing during that process of truly figuring myself out after years of neglecting that aspect (to which Bowie and writing my AF story helped me a great deal). Now Andrew benefits from the way I feel with myself, in many ways. It's all good, I'm really lucky.

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