The token researcher (bis)
Friday, Jul. 16, 2021 - 2:50 pm.

Hooo boy. I got my own "research line" at my uni's economic psychology research center. It sounds huge, as I'm *the director* of it, but see... I don't do economic psychology. At all. This shit was sprung on me, without even consulting me first, because I'm the only one in the area systematically researching queer stuff.

They act like they're doing me a favour with this (and all the new workload it entails) and in exchange for it, I should link everything I do to the neoliberal climate(?). I'll smile and wave, but mostly, I'll resist. I can't tell them this, but I have my own path, my own vision of what I want to investigate and how, and they need me far more than I need them.

My boss is pissed that this research center is "taking me under its wing". She's been affiliated to it since the beginning, so she's experienced the worst of it, and I've seen part of it. The center rides on my boss' accolades like they were the center's while giving her more workload and providing little support. My boss and the center's director, the one who's trying to lure me in now, used to work together, but the director is authoritarian, passive-aggressive, and prone to exploiting her subordinates' (and, as with my boss, her peers') works for her own image and gain.

But in terms of a contract, or otherwise, I owe this center nothing. Where I am right now, I owe it to my boss' unrelenting support.

Argh. This shit has me so upset. I'll still do my own thing, and I won't forget that it was my boss who helped me get where I am.


Today's a holiday, but I still took half of the day to work on my research project. I'm so pumped about having finished collecting data that I didn't mind "working". My thesis students and I will begin the data analysis this week, I'm so excited.

By the way, we --my students and I-- comprise what I like to call the sexuality and gender lab. With thanks to Andrew for encouraging me to bring it to life. The research center director's didn't like that I needed to have a lab when she's giving me own line, but that's the thing. I ain't living off your academic charity.

I've been very focused on work this week, and I've been a bit oblivious to what's going on in my home country. While I feel a bit guilty about that, I can't say that's been bad for me. It gives me space to take care of my more immediate life.

I suppose I've given up in sustaining a connection to my country's affairs. More properly, I've given up trying to convince people who think things are wonderful in the country (like my parents or some acquaintances) that things are actually really fucking bad.

Look, I'm not there. That's a fucking privilege, and it also renders me unable to gauge what the fuck is going on, but I do know it's bad. Worse than bad. I just don't have a discourse nor an audience anymore.

This is it for this week. I have a comic strip that won't write itself. Well, actually, it did write itself, and it turned out pretty funny. But someone has to commit it to paper (or digital canvas).

Take care of yourself, your body and mind, and keep being careful.

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