Saturday, Mar. 30, 2024 - 6:40 pm.
Another week of uncertainty. I don’t fantasize about having a baby as much as I keep wishing we knew the answer to our application so we can get on with our lives. Do I buy formula and diapers or do I commit to preparing my lectures?
I don’t even have a child yet and I’m already speaking like a conflicted academic/mother. I know in the future the answer to that question will be "yes".
In any case, the only thing to do for now is carry on with life as usual. This week carrying on included coming out to a group of students who are working on my research project, which was cool but they’re so clueless, it's like they entered the program this month and not four years ago, my God.
Carrying on also involved having a meeting with the first out trans high school teacher in town. And coming out to him also, as well as to the student who introduced me to him, although I'd done that before with them. But they’re so visibly queer that maybe I felt the need to counter any straight-passing possibilities that may have made them forget I’m not straight.
I met with this teacher because they’re part of the local ballroom scene, which is relatively new (2018-ish). We’re trying to put together a sort of event for Pride Month in uni that has some flair. I don’t think things will turn out how I envision them, though, I don’t even know if by Pride I’ll be here (at uni) or on maternity leave.
We made some plans nevertheless, and I guess he liked me enough to invite me to a kiki. He's the father of a house. I just came back home from that. I was told it began at 3, maybe at 4. I should’ve known that meant 4:30. I’m sorry for striving to always be on time. It's why I’ll never make it as a successful partygoer.
I went to the kiki mostly for research purposes, anyway, see how this ballroom thing works and see if we can bring something about this into uni. It went down very much as I expected, I know some things about ballroom and kikis, it's just that I'd never attended one. The only major queer event on my record besides Pride is a glorious drag king show I went to in Sheffield, which remains one of the best evenings of my life.
I don't go to those things for a number of reasons, which can be summed up as it’s not my scene. I was closeted well until my 30s, and now I don’t feel comfortable at the thought of being in queer spaces because I’m not queer-looking. Or not enough. Proper bisexual imposter syndrome.
The event was great, though. I did feel comfortable as people arrived and the kiki began. I didn't want to leave but I was on my own and I wanted to take an Uber while there was still sunlight.
Streets are not my thing either. The community center that hosted the kiki was deep down in the city centre, and the streets were very much empty as it was a holiday weekend (holla to all my Raised Catholic homies). It bothered me whenever people on cars, buses or by foot would look into the venue and stare at everyone inside; ok, mostly everyone inside (except me, though I tried) was flamboyantly dolled-up, so yeah, it would be hard not to stare. But it upset me seeing at least two cars with men who would drive by slowly and stare. Later on, another person attending stared back at people in a car and waved at them, which I thought was an elegant solution.
I guess it didn't help that earlier today I learned that pro-fascism grafitti(?!) popped up in a few places along this country, like outside a museum of historic memory and on the tombs of one artist who was tortured and killed when the dictatorship rose decades ago, and of his wife who was also an artist. And this region is quite fascist, one of the most right-wing areas in the country. That was fresh in my mind whenever I'd see regular-looking people staring, some with curiosity, some with disgust.
But then the show began and I let go of all concerns. I felt at home. I enjoyed myself.
Although the visiting MC informed us that a few days ago, a hate crime ocurred in his city. A gay man went on a date from Tinder and he was murdered, his body thrown over a cliff. We just can't have a day of peace, can we.
But that is why spaces like the one I was just at exist. To resist and to build a community, and be oneself and find strenght in one another. Speaking of which, it just so happened that on the seat next to me sat a former thesis student of mine, I was her undergrad thesis supervisor in 2021. It was in the middle of the pandemic so we only met face to face when she and her colleague defended their thesis. We didn't have the chance to speak this time, but it was great seeing her there.
The teacher that invited me was a judge at the event, he was very much serving and feeling himself, as you should when you're parent of a house. The student who introduced us walked in the "Face" caregory and made it to finals. Bless them.
And a blessing for me: both my Uber drivers turned out to be women. I was feeling so vulnerable, going and coming from that. It helped me feel at ease. I do often feel like there's somebody up there looking after my bi ass.
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