Saturday, Apr. 13, 2024 - 10:18 am.
My stress levels have overcome me this week. I feel it all over my body, manifesting in different systems that are now slightly malfunctioning. Some things that are causing me stress are passing, some just always seem to be waiting around the corner to get worse.
I'll be brief, because I do have to work this morning:
1. I just closed my three-year government-funded research project. I turned in my financial and academic reports just this morning. I did well overall, I was better than good at it, but I also made some mistakes that caused me to, for instance, lose a fundamental productivity point.
Also, thanks to the British Visa System, I missed an international conference and lost the $400 pounds that registration cost and that was supposed to be covered by the project. That on top of paying for all the paperwork and travelling 800 km for the interview. AND the anger of getting a UK visa once I'd missed the conference, and a visa of such short duration that it already expired and I was not able to go back to my dear old Sheffield like I'd dreamed for years since I submitted my research proposal.
No, I will not let this go. Not that I can do anything about it, but the whole thing was too expensive and unfair to just brush it off.
All that aside! Projects milestones were hit and mistakes were made. All by me, but the milestones were thanks to colleagues and students who came along for the ride. I just hope I get a good evaluation of my research project. I'll miss having it, despite the stress of collecting data. It was a good project. I couldn't have made it without my mentor B., and it opened a lot of doors for me. So I'm grateful for it.
And now I have to work on the next project grant proposal because this shit never ends.
This had me very stressed since yesterday and this morning. I'm a very tidy person and I keep track of my expenses and activities, and I'd been preparing the final reports for months. However, I got some last-minute changes and decisions to make, and working on it sucked all my energy and attention. But that's done now.
2. Minority stress and work stress. I become more and more aware of how much stupidity there is in uni regarding sexuality and gender issues. I've always known, but I see it upfront now. Things get ugly, although thankfully nothing has reached me personally.
But it's just that, isn't it? The fear that you might be next. You might be boycotted, accussed by conservative colleagues of gender ideology and other delusions of theirs. Or you might be a target of harassment or abuse from colleagues or a superior and you'll find youself helpless, despite all the discourse and protocols.
I try to focus on the people for whom work like mine matter. Like the three queer students I'm supervising who, I found out this week, were biting their tongues to ask me to take a look at the little queer library I've built in my office. This is the people I do it for, not the evangelical and TERF academics who make so much noise that bring gender equality initiatives to a halt in uni. Fuck those people.
Also, the work climate at the Psych Department sucks. Always known that one too, but now I'm fully part of it and it's a drag. One-on-one interactions are OK, and I like my colleagues, but certain department-level processes are killing a lot of people's spirit (including Andrew's and mine) and pumping in so much negativity in the air.
Negativity. That's the word that sums up what's been happening to me and my body this week. For a bit I felt on the edge of burn-out. I gotta struggle to find pockets of joy or moments to breath.
Andrew is very helpful, he's a pocket of joy himself, but he's been knocked down this week. He stayed at home sick with pharyngitis. I couldn't even count on seeing him at uni for much-needed breaks and quick venting sessions.
3. Assorted people. The illustrator I hired to make the cover for a second edition of my novel sort of botched the job. I'm waiting for her revisions but I'm not sure if I'll be able to use her cover. Overall, I do sometimes resent myself for thinking so high of my own work, for spending so much money on these vanity projects that no one cares for.
But I care for them. They make me happy.
Also, over a month ago I ordered a nice gift from en Etsy shop for a friend's birthday. The store is in the UK and the tracking number showed the parcel "leaving the UK" the first week of March, so presumably it should be on its way. But it's been over a month.
The store owner has been super unhelpful and condescending. I've ordered from UK Etsy stores before and the parcels arrive on time. Now that I've asked the owner for a replacement, hoping this one will arrive, she keeps saying it may take longer for overseas parcel and keeps pasting the same goddamn tracking message I can already see. I KNOW ALL THAT. THIS DOESN'T LOOK LIKE IT.
For the love of God, I need a fucking win.
*
OK, little wins: we have a new wall-to-wall bookshelf in our apartment, made by a friend's boyfriend who makes stuff (among other things, he's built a HOUSE; I just type all day so the thought of building an actual building of any sort is always baffling to me). It's big and gorgeous.
And it's time to start focusing on my trip home. Two weeks to go. Even if we're called in for another adoption possibility next week, we're in a good time frame to enter the process and make the trip. Actually, going home is always so fucking stressful, but I should focus on enjoying the little time I'll get to spend with family and friends.