Monday, 11/25/02 - 10:19 am.
Last night, out of nothing, I remembered coming back on the bus, from my somewhat fun last high school trip, alone, cutting myself. And I pictured him, a few feet away from me, talking about sex, without noticing I was chocking in my own pain and ungiven love.
I remembered how everytime he moved, I'd think he was approaching and sitting next to me. But no, he was just laughing in his seat and making himself more comfortable.
He never knew...he never will...
And I cried, and I even trembled. Maybe I blocked my feelings in that moment and now they were coming back to haunt me at midnight. Tears were rolling down and I wanted to cut myself and bleed a lot.
I rocked myself back and forth, I was cold (it's the wheather), I was trying to suffocate this pain before it suffocated me. After a long time, I got off bed and headed to the drawer in which I keep my self-mutilation kit...but then I changed direction, and headed to my desk, grabbed a notebook and a pencil and wrote:
I hope one day I'll be able to kick you out of my life the way you kicked me out of yours.
And strangely enough, I felt better. Just by writing that down. And I was able to fall asleep.
****
Well, today is my first UCA test. The psychological one, to see if I'm prepared for it. The only thing that bothers me it's that it'll be from 1 to 6 o'clock, and that's very frustrating for the body. I'm gonna see a lot of friends who are trying to get in the UCA also (Rod, Norman, Veronica, him...)...but it's not like I'm going to socialize.
I've heard people comment on how different relationships are in college. You make "classmates" rather than "friends", because of the rhythm of life. Not to mention, at school the teachers knew your name, they noticed if you were absent, they were very friendly, very approachable...school worried about you. College...it's the opposite. There's no familiarity.
My dad is going to drop me off in the entrance of the UCA at 12:15. I'm going to get lost, I'm afraid. I don't know that damn place, it's too big (that's another difference). If I get lost, I'll scream.
Go UFOs!!!