Never again.
Wednesday, 12/11/02 - 2:30 pm.

I bought a pair jeans yesterday in the afternoon. I also mailed out the greeting cards and ate an apple pie.

Last night, I had a long talk with the guy. It was kind of confusing, and opened wounds I'd like to keep stitched up.

- Him: You owe me something...remember? before the last exams you said we'd "release stress".
- Me: I don't care, I don't feel like doing it, ok?
- Him: ....well, I too owe you something, anyway...I owe you a lot...
- Me: What do you mean?
- Him: Well...I know you feel like I use you know. I never meant to make you feel that way...all I did, I did it with love, not just because I was horny...because I'd love to *do* it with you...I'm really sorry, I'm sorry you've felt like I used you...

He said other things, that were very touching actually, that made me consider the possibility of falling in love with him again. He gave me some nice feeling I hadn't felt in a long time. I was aware though that it was just the heat of the moment, and my need to be healed, but I decided not to think about it, and just enjoy that feeling.

But he also asked me -as a "favor"- to listen to listen to his fantasies, and such. I wanted to throw up, not because of what he was saying (he was just describing foreplay, nothing you can't watch in any given movie), but...I don't know. He said he was trying to turn me on, but I'm too hurt to put up with that lust crap (more than the usual).

I'm so hurt that anything physical disgusts me. I don't want anyone to touch me. No one. I don't want a hug from anybody, not even my family.

I don't know what he wants. I don't care. I don't believe him. I don't trust in him anymore. Not in him, not in everybody else. Trust no one. I'm sick of this. I'm sick, SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK of the stupid people I run into. The ones that always fuck me over, start ignoring me, make me think it's my fault, then apologize and say it was their fault.

Apologizing only does not work.

I think of Denver often, but not because I love him. I'm thinking of words, of a way to express him how angry I am. If I should e-mail him, or tell him while we're online...and what to say? how? That's the only reason why I'm thinking of him. I'm thinking over ripping off a picture I have with of the both of us. I need to do this, I need to ge this off my chest...I just don't know how to yet.

Note to self: for the 6354th time, DO NOT trust people. Never again.

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