Wednesday, 02/26/03 - 2:51 pm.
Driving lessons were...well, it wasn't that bad, but the "classroom" certainly sucks. There are no desks, just chairs, and it's packed. It's terrible working in there, so goddamn uncomfortable...but other than that, I try to stay positive on this "learning to be a responsible driver" shit.
I thought of Rocko (Rocko's Modern Life, you realize) and that episode in which he takes driving lessons. I started to miss Rocko at that moment, it's been really long since I've watched that show. I always dreamed of having a cartoon show like that one. I wanted to laugh out when I felt like Rocko. Knowing you're going through a similar miserable situation as a cartoon you love is priceless.
I didn't get to see D at the UCA. But it wasn't a big deal for me. I'm stoic about this. Last night I talked to my friend Mikey about this for a long time. I must admit it was a bit annoying at first, but he was just telling the truth, so it was definitely therapeutic, and I thank him for that.
I do think I've improved on this subject. I used to be in love with him and feel hurt by him. Now I'm not in love anymore. It's a complicated thing, I'll just save the details. But I do feel I'm improving and getting over him.
On one newspaper today there was a page with news about George and Paul, completely unrelated to each other. Still, it was good to see a mention of George's birthday (the article was mostly about his first guitar being in The Beatles museum in Liverpool)...I have to save the pictures and the articles (when it comes to Aerosmith and The Beatles, I always do that).
I've been trying to talk to Cel these past days, but she always has something else to do, sets her status as "away" or something and then doesn't come back. It isn't anything personal against me, it's just bad timing. I just wanted to talk to her about...well, nothing in particular. So it's ok, because I really don't know what to say. Currently I have this problem of dying to talk to someone, without really having anything to talk about.
If it wasn't for Mikey last night, though, I'd be feeling worse...I'd feel more this "thing" inside of me. Like a tumor, or a hole. He kind of made me talk about D, which in the end was a good thing.
But you see, it isn't *only* about D. It's about something else, and that's what I don't know what it is, and therefore, I can't talk about it. D is just this wound that may or may not heal, but he's just a wound. There's something beyond this painful wound. And that's the tumor, the hole.
I kind of hated my life when I was lining up for the UCA paperwork. I wasn't hating myself or my life per se, it was about the people around me. For a lot of things...those annoying, dumb teenagers, looking at you in a superior way, or just not looking at you at all (I tend to like this, so that they'll leave me out of their outdated brains), dressing up cool, pimping around, talking pure shit...
That's not a self-esteem issue, I don't need to be liked by them, let alone be like them. It's just that they're so fuckin' annoying I wish I could jump on them and stab them until I've ripped off their cute, trendy clothes and they yell: "I'll stop being stupid, I promise!".
Of course, not ALL of the teenagers are this way. But there's something about stupidity that stands out.
On the bright side, I was walking down the hallways and I heard some kind of whistle like the ones D makes when he's calling out someone. I didn't turn, because I knew it wasn't him (I did feel really good when I thought "even if it was you, bitter old man, I wouldn't turn around....bwhahahaha, you suck more than I do"). Then I heard soft, fast footsteps, someone approaching to me, and then this CUTE boy says to me: "excuse me...you dropped this back there", and he gives me my necklace. I said "thank you!" and he ran back to...wherever he came from.
Not only was he cute, he was also very polite and kind. "I want a boy like you", I thought. No, I didn't fall in love. I don't remember his face, nor his voice...I just remember what he did. For no special reason, it's just...he was very kind.