Thursday, 03/20/03 - 1:08 pm.
I wrote this yesterday, and due to well-known DLand server problems, I couldn't post it. I'll probably write today later.
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Do you know what happened exactly a year ago? this, St. Joseph's Day. The biggest party thrown at school by the seniors. The time to let the world know how cool (or uncool) the ESJ seniors are.
I went to the ESJ, you know. I was very curious as to how it'd be this year... I got there, ran into the pastoral gang (Carmen, Norman, Fo, Phil, along with Karla...D wasn't there, so I guess he's just staying away from everybody that was his friend) and I walked around the hallways, looking for Fidel. I felt very nostalgic. Even the day was against me, all beautiful, like the days D and I were "together". I can't describe all the feelings I got when I walked accross the senior hallway.
I found Fidel and we headed to the courts, where the actions happens. It was weird. It was weird to be where I was exactly a year ago, and see how everything had changed yet it was the same Like I was seeing it from the outside. I mean, I was, actually. The same activies, but done by different people, the new seniors, who took our place when we (the class of 2002) graduated. It got me very emotional.
Apart from being with Fidel for a while (which is probably the main reason why I went). I saw the guy, from far away, and I also saw Rene. He hasn't changed a bit. I don't know if he saw me, but I'm glad we didn't talk. I got to see some of my old teachers, too. And Roberto, too. He arrived later. I'm happy for the guy. He's finally graduating from high school this year. He seemed to be having a good time, and so was Rene, although he came back to school this year (he left for the USA in 11th grade and came back this year, right on time to start college again right where he left), and barely knew everybody.
I longed for getting back to school. I swear I hadn't felt this way before, until now. I wished I was still in school. Everything is different in college, and I guess it was kind of better at school. Easier, too. More familiar. Less complicated.
I left right when all of my old classmates were arriving, which was such a shame. This was the only chance to be with those people I shared that part of my life with. Elsy, Melvin, Pablo, Patch and so many others (that's useless to list here)...all in the same place, like the old times. It felt cool to be there, standing about, judging others' work, just like we were judged last year by the 2001 seniors. I kind of regret not staying longer.
I can't even explain half of what I felt when I was at school this morning. It brought me a lot of memories.
Adri was going to go with me, but she ended up not going, because she felt bad. We've been talking once or twice everyday, because she's devastated about breaking up with her boyfriend. I know she needs to talks about it, so I'm all ears to her. I understand her, maybe more than she thinks. I know what breaking up feels like, even if I haven't officialy dated anyone. My relationship with D (and specially the end of it) drove me to self-mutilation, just to mention one thing. It's painful. To think you're not special to the most special peson in your life, to think you'll never get him back, to think he's already moved on and one day you'll have to see him loving another girl....I know what that feels like.
But no one understands.
Last night I came home, I rushed to my bedroom, turned off the lights and I cried in bed. I thought I was losing my mind, I was hearing voices, telling me to tell my mom I was feeling bad, telling me to cut open my forehead...and I was just in pain, crying. I don't know why, nothing really happened to me (nothing has happened to me in an inmediate past) but that's every night when I come home from the UCA. I feel so miserable, I pray to God to kill me, I want to slit my wrists and cut myself all over.
No one knows what goes on inside of me. It kind of pisses me off, because in public, with my friends (when I saw Roberto today, for example), I find myself smiling and being this cheerful girl. I hate that, because then, when I'm alone and crying, I feel so fake. I don't want to play the victim, which is probably why I act differently in public, but I also hate to seem happy when in reality I am truly unhappy...well, not entirely unhappy, but I seem to have my moments.
I just want to lose the will to get up every morning. There's nothing out there for me, and I hate to pretend there is.
If you must know, I AM watching CNN. I don't discuss war here, because....well, just don't get me started on that. I read Aerosmith message boards everyday, and most of the members are from the United States, so I'm always listening to their points of view on "off-topics", and, of course, on war. I usually tend to disagree.
Was just watching something on anti-war protestors, they are worried more about the people in Iraq than our own boys defending our country, makes me want to puke.
Well, twisting a famous saying I heard yesterday, the difference between the civilians and the soldiers is that the civilians are not soldiers (and therefore, they're not prepared to face war, you realize. How could a a civilian compete with the US army's toys?)
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