Wednesday, 08/13/03 - 2:56 pm.
For a couple of days now, I've been toying with the idea of me feeling "alright" again. Actually, I think I am. I'm not in pain over the Denver thing anymore, and that's saying a lot. I mean, it still hurts like a bitch, but I find myself not giving a crap more and more often.
I'm numb, but in a good way....or at least not in a bad way. My days aren't the best since the kids left, but I feel good enough. I play the guitar and sometimes I play the piano. I think of how I love to be on my own most of the time, and that I really don't know how this next semester (my second semester in college) will be like and that makes me look forward to it.
I get to watch my favorite sitcoms (Friends, Will & Grace and That 70's Show) everyday, and that kind of keeps me going (how lame of me). Then I think I need to renew my visa and I need to start college again to get my allowance so I can save money for my (hopefully) december trip to Houston.
One thing I do not think about is driving. My dad has brought that subject up just once in a long time. I'm such a coward, I know, I need to get over that. One day I will. But perhaps not this week.
My dad told me today that I looked a little off. That I looked sad or something. I feel sad indeed, but it's just a feeling that I cannot justify. I'm sad most of the times, that kind of sadness that makes you feel a heavy...hole? in your heart...err, something like that. But I don't pay a lot of attention to it, I've figured that it's just the way I am. And the melodrama I create sometimes it's induced by other people, and the cutting and all that shit it's just a superlative of my own sadness.
Sometimes, very seldom, actually, I feel like the girl who started writing this diary almost two years ago. I feel I've changed a lot ever since. That wouldn't be such a big surprise, of course, as everybody does change in life, but it's always quite an experience to notice. Only this development can only be truly appreciated by yourself, and perhaps by the real close ones to you (in my case, let's leave it until "to yourself").
I found my friend Pablo, my brother, online last night. Such a beatiful boy, one of the few people who made senior high something worth going through.
- Me: are you entirely recovered from the senior high school emotional rollercoaster?
- Pablo: what a lovely term. Yes, I'm almost entirely recovered. But I don't want to let it die entirely, because I like nostalgia and I like to have things to think about at night.
- Me: I haven't seen him (the boyfriend) in a month, but we're doing ok. To be the first one, he isn't that bad.
- Pablo: Why does it sound like you're seeing it as if it was over...?.
- Me: that's a good question...I didn't realize it sounded like that.
- Pablo: there you go, then.
- Me: it's not over, really. But I feel it will be one day.
- Pablo: it depends, but I'll tell you something, don't wait for that day. Something I realized is that the dream boy/girl doesn't exist. What happens is that you develop this being according to your backgrounds and needs. And in reality, it's when we are capable of killing that being to see the new one, is when we start finding the real person. We start to realize that it wasn't what we expected in the beggining, but still, it's thanks to ourselves that we'll like this person more and more everyday. So there's no Charming Prince, that's a lie.
It's a little confusing, but I got his point. I told him I knew that, you can't idealize things, let alone people. Unfortunately, his computer crashed and he had to log out. I wish he was my next door neighbor, I could use somebody like him in my life right now. I miss talking to him, I miss him so much.
When I went to bed, I thought about the one thing I do feel I am missing in my life. A best friend. I have a lot of friends, yes, but...in a generic way. 1 is my boyfriend, quite a nice guy, but let's be honest, I've only known him for less than three months now. He doesn't know what's going on, and he would never get half of the things I say or think.
Perhaps a "best friend" is not what I think. Maybe a best friend has always been an ideal of mine. Like I said, one can't go around idealizing people, that's just wrong. But I can't help feeling like this sometimes. I wish I had a friendship like Cel's and Pablo's (although they're not so close anymore). They live close to each other, and they'd visit each other very often, almost every day. He'd even sleep over at her house, there wasn't an inch of sexual intentions between them. And when one of them was down, the other would come over and bring vanilla ice cream as a present.
But anyway...I don't think about that best-friend thing very often, I just thought I could mention this here, get it off my chest and forget about it, so I can go back to strumming the guitar, even though I suck.
I believe the globe has turned significantly in the last 24 hours, because yesterday at this time, the sunlight wasn't hitting the garden window. Surprise, surprise.
prev / next