Unteenage wishful confusion.
Sunday, 12/07/03 - 12:34 am.

I could relate to something that John Lennon said: it was embarrasing, walking about married. I gasped, because that's how I felt from the very first moment 1 and I became a couple: embarrased. I was embarrased to walk holding hands. Embarrased and limitated. More and more I'm certain I started going out with him because I felt it was a duty, or maybe a requirement. Something I could not say no to (and it was tricky! he only asked me if I liked him back!). You could say it was love at first sight, because it was, but there was nothing else beyond that. I fell out of love after the overrated "love at first sight". No one tells to look twice.

By the way, I met Lennon will be on tonight. YES, I'M GOING TO BE ON TV!!!

Next sunday, by this time, I'll be on a plane to Houston. Oddly enough, I'm not very thrilled this time. For several reasons. But perhaps everything will get better when I'm there.

My mom's birthday is next sunday. That's one of the reasons. I feel horrible for leaving on my mom's birthday, but it had to be on sunday, so my brothers and/or my sister-in-law wouldn't have to get out of work.

So her birthday was celebrated last night. And my brother Carlos gave my nephew his christmas present. He hid little boxes around the house for my nephew to find them all and then open them. I already knew what it was. A Game Boy Advance, a couple of game paks and a bag to keep them in. The kid was out of this world.

One of the game paks was "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", and right then, I felt something I don't think I should've felt. I felt jealous. I missed christmas presents, and the rush of holding the wrapped-up box in my hands, whether I already knew what it was or I didn't. Getting things I wished for and things I didn't know I was wishing for (oh, holiday consummerism).

From that moment on, my thoughts revolved around the fact that I will not get presents anymore. I mean, not like I used to...christmas has lost all its apparent charm. And when I stopped playing with toys, and when all things Aerosmith in this country (not many, really) ended up in my bedroom, it seemed there wasn't much more left to be given to me, which also meant I was old enough to go through such consumist season without consuming. And that's ok, because I am.

But in any case, I got a little sad. Seeing my nephew opening the box and finding the TMNT game...Freud would say it all comes down to the fact that I never fulfilled my dream of owning a Ninja Turtle action figure. But that's something else (I do want one...the four of them, actually. What's a Ninja Turtle without his brothers?).

Seeing him getting surprised, I mean...I don't remember the last time I've been really surprised. Fuck, I get surprised everyday by the smallest thing...but I'm talking about other type of surprise. But I'm not really sure what type, to be honest.

Maybe I just wished to be a kid again. I realized last night that I still do feel like a child, perhaps because of the age difference between my siblings and I, always being the little and spoiled one. I feel childish...and stupid, too. So I can't never win. I've felt like a grown-up at times, as well, but never like a teenager...so I don't know what to answer my nephew Renan when he asks me what does it feel to be a teenager. He's scared of growing up...just like me, before I grew up. I either feel like an impotent child or a stupid grown-up.

Well...and maybe I'm still afraid of growing up. And not for many things, I just don't want the "teen" part of my age to disappear. Because as long as you have it, I think it's ok to be confused. Like I am today.

So well, those are awful tangents. Today I just wanted to say that I feel as though I'll never be surprised again...in that unknown kind of way.

(Of course I was joking. I'm not going to be on TV.)

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