Missing Beatles and unhappy thoughts.
Friday, 02/27/04 - 2:56 pm.

I just had the overwhelming pleasure of listening to clips off the new Aerosmith CD, coming out next month. I'm thrilled. I can't wait. I CAN'T WAIT, I tell you.

Ok, don't laugh at me, but that thing I said yesterday: "I have it all figured out and I'm taping those videos one way or another"...the Beatles show on TV, that is...well, I failed. I didn't tape the show, and it was because of my conscience or whatever. I deeply regret it now, but at the time it seemed a good idea, the extremely good action of the day.

I was to watch the show on my bedroom and run to the living room to press rec whenever the videos came on. Ok, first of all, it wasn't a big distance, it takes me three long steps to cover the distance. It was more the zig-zag of the path what caused trouble.

Anyway, I started doing it like I'd planned, but soon I noticed a pattern...I'd watch in my bedroom, a nice piece of footage would come on, and I'd run to press rec, but when I'd come back to my bedroom, I'd see the footage had been replaced with a still image and the background voice of the lousy hosts and guests. I'd run back to the living room to press stop but when I'd come back to my bedroom there was a performance. That happened about 6 times until I gave up. I figured I could buy the DVDs (so far they were only showing clips from the first US tour) some time in the future.

I would have kept on trying to catch something worth-catching on tape, but my dad was around wanting to watch the news. My mom and my brother were watching as good as it gets. So I thought to myself: geez, I could get the DVDs that channel is getting the footage from...the conditions are against me and my dad wants to watch the news...one day he'll not be here anymore, and as insignificant as this may seem, I know I'll regret denying him my TV when I was really not getting anything out of the situation.

Ok, I didn't think so...you know that weird happening, when you're not thinking in words, you just feel it? That's what happened to me, it took me half a second to know that message in my mind.

So I turned off the TV and told my dad he could watch it. Oh, no, no, you're watching your show he said embarrased. I had a knot in my throat, on the verge of crying (I'm a wuss when it comes to missing Aerosmith and Beatles stuff) and said: no, it's ok...I'll buy the DVDs one day. And as my dad was turning on my TV he said with a voice that left no doubt: I'll buy them for you.

To tell you the truth, that idea of "I'll buy the DVDs later" was just a pitiful consolation for myself. I won't. Not this year and probably not the next one. I don't have much money and anyway, you can't get much out of a DVD without a DVD player, can you? And you can't get a DVD player when there are other household priorities.

It was funny, but as the night went on I compltely forgot about the Beatles show and yet I couldn't shake off the need to cry. I have not had a reason to cry nor the will to do it, bit I've been thinking I need to. And finally, I felt like crying last night, but I didn't. I know that, in the big scheme of the universe, The Beatles is not a good reason to cry for. Specially if you're a fan of The Beatles' and you're surrounded by people who are not fans of The Beatles'.

But I said I regret today doing what I did, because at noon I caught the video for paperback writer, and the VJ said: "this is one of the videos we couldn't play on air last night, so here it goes". The show lasted two hours, he said. I hate to think of what I missed. I hope there's actually a DVD with all the things I missed.

When I got in the shower this morning I thought it'd be nice if I cried. For no reason, I just thought it'd be healthy. Getting rid of all those small details that annoy me, that by separate mean nothing but once they're cluttered up inside of you hurt a lot. But I didn't feel like crying, I was feeling rather apathetic.

Today, for about 5 seconds, I found appealing the idea of dying of suffocation. Getting the neck injured and stuff. But then I was horrified and disgusted at myself for thinking such thing.

I am afraid of gaining weight. And I too found appealing, for the first time in my life, the idea of inducing myself to throw up. But that lasted only a few seconds, as well. It's not that I want to be skinny, I'd like to be in good shape without necessarily being in the bones. But I lack of commitment and when I don't see results after a month of working out, I start thinking I'm doing it all wrong.

At least I start the semester in two weeks. I say this because it means I can skip a meal, dinner. I tell my friends in the cafeteria that I'll eat at home and I tell my mom at home I ate at the cafeteria. I'll live on gum and water and that is all.

I can't help wondering if this semester will be like the first one...coming home at night in tears, crying silently for about 20 minutes, feeling depressed for no reason, and cutting a little. On the second semester I didn't cry (I did cut) but I was completely unhappy because I had a -ugh- boyfriend I hated to be with, and my whole day and night would be spent thinking how I could get rid of him, because, as a matter of fact, hooking up had been just a misunderstanding.

This is a tangent, but this is how we hooked up (and believe me, I'd like to destroy those days of me being a girlfriend): we were talking and he said "I like you...do you like me back?", and I replied "yes", and then he said "that's it, then...I thought it'd be more difficult than this". And only when he took me by the hand, the most uncomfortable and embarrasing moment of my life, I realized everything was wrong. And I thought to myself: what do you mean "that's it"?! You're supposed to ask me if I want to be with you, or something equally SPECIFIC! (in retrospective, I didn't want to). He only asked me if I liked him back, goddamn it! I like back a lot of people. And this is one of the most frustrating moments of my life, which consequences lasted 6 disgusting months. I have the feeling I lost an entire semester to a mistake and a person who got me bored me to death (when he thought we were having a WONDERFUL time).

Anyway...college. I've started making my schedule and such. It's kind of neat, but I'm really not thrilled. I mean, I LOVE psychology, and I can't wait to learn more about it, but the social enviroment, being surrounded by people, stupid most of them, is, by no means, of my liking.

Hello, I am crap today.

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