Tuesday, 06/13/06 - 9:45 pm.
Damn, today's been a day with a bit of everything, but mostly with anger. I had to do all the job of finishing a final report, even though we are 8 people. Typical. Al least one of the girls in the group is as commited as I am and printed out a few parts.
Husband wasn't even aware it was for today, and Victor did a part, but the introduction -I asked for him to do it- was like the index, only commented. I asked Michelle to help me out, and the road to hell is paved with good intentions, as they say. She did very little, because she was chasing a mouse around her house. She then said she could continue working and send it to me this morning, but I had enough to do, so I said she could keep her good intentions for next time.
Since there's a football fever here, I found no traffic on my way to the university (Brazil was playing). Good. As the afternoon went by, I saw my friends, and I started to get very bitter, and I faked a massive headache so I wouldn't have to talk to them. I'm not very assertive, so I couldn't tell them how alone I felt on this, how it seems they're just assistants and not workmates of mine.
I wanted to cry and jump off the building. It's one of those crisis I hadn't gotten in a while, in which I get utterly depressed I can barely raise my head, I can't hold back the tears and think of commiting suicide. If I got those for more than a couple of hours, I wouldn't be functional in everyday life, Lord. Well, they bought my argument, so they started to pet my head (I was lying it on a desk, hiding it so I could cry) and massage it. I did have a slight headache, per se, but that's custommary everyday. It kind of cheered me up.
I got out of class to get something to eat. Victor was out too, and I ran into him. He said he was going to buy me pills for my headache. That made me forget automatically all the rage I had against them, and I just thanked him and said maybe something to eat would stop the pain. And after that, I was less angry. Which is unfair for me, I understand. I just can't seem to find a way to get off some work, because on top of being not assertive, I'm a control freak. And also, I've never felt a lot of support from my workmates that'd make me say "yeah, I can ask for help".
We have another project due in two weeks. We got a paper with the guidelines, and when Michelle handed the paper to me, I didn't grab it, I only frowned and said "I'm not doing that". I will take part in this, obviously, but I'll try to get some work off my back this time.
All of us had an exposition after this class (in which I faked a headache and went out for chocolate milk). We worked very hard, because last time we got a 5, for being too brief and limitated. Honestly, I think we kicked some ass, but the professor, Mr. Miscellaneous, is very subjective, so we'll probably get a 6, for being too extended. Victor and I were joking about that...but it could very well happen.
This guy I'm an instructor for brought me a draft for some essay that has to be turned in tomorrow. He brought it when I was going to class, which made me mad, because I DO have a life other than being an instructor. I didn't promise I could read it, but I did it, and it was a disgrace. I don't dislike the guy and his friends, but I HAD to make harsh comments on their writing. Seriously, this is a career that requires a lot of writing, and you don't show your best side when you write a 13-lines-long sentence. I warned him this was the only time I'd give my time to check drafts in such short notice, and he apologized, but seemed very grateful, so...yeah, ok.
It seems getting attention and making people grateful at me can wash out my anger. Which isn't healthy, because I'm very resentful and I can remember that at any time and feel the same as in the moment (that I noticed it with Joseph). Gosh, I feel so borderline sometimes. Maybe I'm getting too hung up on that disorder...I've been writing my research paper for over six months now. It's due next monday.
This guy, J.R., gave me a note today. He's one of the people I mentioned a couple of days ago, that are like an early version of my gang and I, always trying to get the best grades, etc. I'm his instructor for Social Psychology I, but he's also an instructor, and my neighbor in the cubicle, so we talk sometimes. I've felt twice that he has a crush on me, but nothing big, really.
Anyway, I always tell him I'm failing at everything, and he says I'm not. I kind of am, to my standards, but yeah, I'm still doing kind of good. Well, today when I was packing my stuff to go to class, I noticed him moving awkwardly, and it seems he waited until the last minute to get up from his chair and hand me a lollipop wrapped in a post-it. I read it when I came home, and it said I was a cool person, and smart, and I could and do accomplish anything and everything... That was pretty cute. I got a little girly, but luckily, I only like him as a friend (if it'd been Joe, I'd be freaking out). I hope he was just being nice, though.
You know, actually a lot of people are nice to me. I don't understand why. I thought it was nice that my friends cared for me, even though...well, they did very little for this long-ass report, compared to what I had to (look, here comes my resentment). I don't know, a lot of people are nice to me. I suppose that's why I haven't developed a real depression disorder, I have a lot of social support, after all.
To top off this entry, I'd like to annouce tomorrow I'm doing a one-hour long trip to the coast. Hell, no, it's not a mini-vacation. See, it's the practical aspect of Methods of Evaluation II. Last semester I had to evaluate a child at the clinic, now I'm going to evaluate an adult that's at an alcoholic rehab place.
Or so I thought. Right now, the place has only 3 interns, and we were going 23 students. The professor decided to narrow down the number to 10, but nobody would raise their hand to go. I wasn't going to, because it's unfair; on top of everything, WE pay for transportation, the university pays nothing. But then there was the possibility of not even having a person to evaluate, and cancelling the bus and going with our own cars, and these two funny ladies were going...so I thought, what the hell. It could be fun. I suppose I'll take my chances; even if I get to evaluate, I might be helping someone. I need a break from computers, anyway, so I can use a road trip with them and other classmates that are not my regular gang.
So I'm going to bed early, feeling somewhat depressed, and just a tad excited for tomorrow. And with a headache, but that's simply custommary these days. It's been two weeks that I've been getting a headache almost everyday, and I still can't see the semester ending.