Friday, 09/08/06 - 9:32 pm.
Sometimes his emotional reactions are too much. Sometimes, like last night, he invalidates himself to the point of threatening to commmit suicide. He's ashamed and hates himself. He tends to be impulsive, and insists he lacks a purpose in life, saying he'll always be nobody and will amount to nothing.
He makes me feel impotent, guilty and confused, and gets all cynic, saying it's all his fault. I apologized and apologized, fearing he was doing it all to manipulate me and I was giving into his game, but I was also scared because he might very well mean it, and I can totally see him keeping his promise. He said I'm his only support, but before that, he'd said he couldn't stand me.
Last night he was yelling, that everything for him was black or white. He's great or a disaster. He says everything he does is wrong, and that I should get away from him, but he hasn't apologized for any of the things he's said or done to me. When I make a mistake and I hurt him, he seems to want revenge and hurts me more. And for him it's justified. And when he calms down, he says he's a horrible person, and I shouldn't be with him.
He says he lacks control. He's hipersensitive when I set limits and I say directly what bothers me, and he gets angry, really angry. He has no direction in life, and his life floats around me only. He has a wonderful ability to point out my flaws, but he's insecure, and sometimes it seems he's trying to destroy our relationship because he, insists, doesn't deserve me.
Joseph functions normally on a daily basis, and so does our relationship. He's not addicted to any substances, he's not depressed, he's not into risky behaviors (anymore), and has no interpersonal problems. But last night everything got out of control, as it happens sometimes, and although I talked to him today and we're cool, I fear there's something borderline about him, that comes out and tears me apart once in a while.
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