Friday, 09/22/06 - 9:26 pm.
I'm a fucking loser. That's what this week has proven to me. I have no desire to move on, and I just want to roll up on my sheets and sleep for the rest of my life.
For no reason, really. Well, I've been failing a lot in class. I don't participate much, a lot of people say smart things and I don't, and in Psychological Treatment I'm just screwed. I had a midterm yesterday, and I slipped. I don't think I'll get any more than a 7. Today we had a discussion, and I didn't say much (speaking is fundamental)...though in my defense, everybody was saying the same things, and I didn't want to repeat. But here and there somebody would say something perfect, and I wished I'd thought of that. I don't think I'll do very good in that subject.
Part of me looks at that professor in hopes he'll notice my scar and ask. I think I'd tell him. I'm not very sure why's that, because mostly I feel a certain rejection for him; I was starting to like clinical psychology, but I feel like a such a failure in his class. He's a friend of my brother's and I've know him for a while, but since he became my professor, I put some sort of academical distance (not that it'd mattered if I hadn't, it'd still be there). It's an odd impulse, wanting for him to notice. I'll get over it.
On an unrelated note, I think D. broke up with his girlfriend. I'm a bit embarrassed to admit I was a bit glad when I heard that. I'm not quite sure if it's true, it's just based on assumptions, things my friends and I have seen: we've seen the gal with another boy, always walking together. A boy, may I add, we met in school and despised, for being cruel and shallow...not exactly dating material. He didn't graduate with us, but goes to the same university; and ignores us.
I was a bit glad because I always felt D. liked her all along and was with me because...well, he wasn't with her. Nothing wrong in liking somebody else, but fuck, man, if you do, don't put illusions in somebody else's head. I'm not sure if that was the case...I remember -high school- being into him, and the pain of wondering if he felt anything for me at all (I guess he did), and if that was strong enough to make him want to be with me, officially (it wasn't). But when he wasn't with me, he was with her. And when school finished and I stopped seeing him, I heard he was dating her; although I'm not in love with him anymore, up to this date it made me bitter, seeing them together. Though they made a cute couple.
Then I thought things twice, and I felt sorry for him. It's not nice, and it's fucked up that I'm glad. Unless he wanted the break-up...in which case, never mind all I've said so far in this entry. Otherwise, sorry things didn't work out, D., even though you don't read my diary (thank the Lord for that).
Now it's time for the good part of this entry: I saw Joseph today. And that's it. I hadn't seen thim this week, and especially under stressful circumstances, I need to be in the safe space he provides. I managed to make a hole in my agenda to see him for an hour, and we ended up with a lot of bedroom time. Quality over quantity. It was wonderful, AND it was raining. That made it much better. I love this man so, so, so, so much.
I dropped him off at work, and I got back to my stressful routine. I have a lot of tasks (two midterms, several papers, pending social service hours, etc), and I'm very frustrated. I don't feel confident at all. I feel like shit, inadequate, and I want to give up.
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