Friday, 01/05/07 - 11:47 pm.
I'm worried about my future. After a long talk brother #1 and sister had a few days ago, I decided I am getting out of my country when I finish college (that's just one year left!). I want to make a difference there, but there aren't many options, and even with the best intentions, one, ten, twelve thousand people aren't enough. It might sound very negative, but I've been too romantic about my future, and that won't get me anywhere.
Very few reasons keep me attached to my country: my parents and Joseph. And Rose, the housekeeper, because she's a good woman. It's easier to bring my pets (difficult, but easier than bringing a person), so I don't worry a lot about them. I have no friends and no real interest in sticking around, other than my "want to do something". But even that can be a mortal trap, personally and professionally.
I also don't want to be romantic about coming here to keep studying after I graduate, though. Speak english on a daily basis, do all that paperwork I'm unfamiliar with, and having enough money, are the three things that scare me to death and make me say "maybe I should just stay where I am". But I don't want to stay there. It's a mess, it's devastated. There are solutions, and many good wills that want to work on them, but the entire system is flawed. Resources are wasted on the wealthy, and conceptions on human rights are going backwards, for instance. The margins to work independently and succeed (meaning you make a decent living while doing something you like and gives something to the community) are almost non-existent, especially when you're talking about things that aren't material.
On the other hand, I cry when I imagine my parents being left alone. I cry when I think Joseph will not come with me, I just know he won't, he has his life built there (so do I)...so I'd lose him...
I'm sure I'll keep talking about this in further entries. I'm worried and frightened. I tell to myself it's gonna be ok, and I believe it, but the journey seems cruel.
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