Friday, 02/07/09 - 12:19 am.
So Fer passed away early this morning. I wasn't informed until late in the afternoon, when I called CR to see what was going on.
Any sign of distress anyone might have seen in my face had nothing to do with Fer, though (I'm sorry, Fer). My anguish came from the fact that I was going to see Joseph and his girlfriend at night, when I attended the wake over. CR told me where it was and I got lost for a long, long time, perhaps 45 minutes. It was so far away and I wasn't familiar with the town.
Driving aimlessly helped me calm me down, though. Since I learned about Fer, I had a pit in my stomach. I was meeting with my family for dinner and I just wanted to get over with that; I barely ate, and I still felt like throwing up. I came home and changed. And I got lost and bothered CR a thousand times with directions. Turned out, it wasn't so hard to get there, but we both were using different vocabulary.
I saw Fer, but the body in the casket didn't look like him. Until then I noticed his arabic features. All this sort of reminded me of when Earn was killed, five years ago in May (about a week after what would've been my wonderful 5th anniversary of dating Joseph).
I stayed outside, in the yard. CR told me Joseph was on the other corner so I stayed away. I won't lie, I was dying for him to see me, but also, I didn't want to cross looks with him. I'm afraid he didn't notice I was there, but even if he had, he has someone else to occupy his thoughts on.
A while later, CR told me Joseph was gone, so I went to say hi to some people from the university. All of them Joseph's friends. I found a girl that I love and I wish we were friends; we spoke shortly a couple of times and this time she came to say hi. We had a conversation and she told me to join the crowd, "don't worry, you-know-who isn't here". Oh, my God, I loved her so much for that.
I sat down, and left about half an hour later. I caught a glimpse of Al, who just grows cuter and cuter to my eyes, but he has his girlfriend of 8 years and even if he was out of the relationship, I think I'd be just a rebound. And come on, even I can tell you myself that I know I'm worth more than that.
I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would, but yeah, knowing that Joseph didn't see me makes me feel a tad unhappy. I overheard a conversation about someone saying "I'm getting married" on his Messenger account and I think they were talking about him. Then I heard something about having a child and I panicked inside. I wanted to ask CR if he knew whether Joseph was moving out, getting married or having a child, or two of those or all three, but it was not the time. How is he, about Fer's death? Strangely stoic. Barely sad. He has a way of viewing life that keeps him from suffering more than neccesary. Even though he was his best friend.
Anyway...I suppose I'd feel worse if I'd seen him, right? I don't know if he'll attend the funeral tomorrow. I wish, I hope he does, but part of me doubts it. I don't know, man, whatever.
I've started my job entirely and I'm getting the gist of it. This lunch I decided to sit in the kitchen with a couple of people and I was very comfortable. An older version of myself would rather sit alone in the dining room, thus keeping me from blending in. It was great, indeed. There's a guy, well, a man, that's so funny. And two women that just make my day. And my boss has no legs. What an inspiration. What I do has nothing to do with psychology, but I'm quite content.
And walking to and from work is something else. So far I haven't had any case of sexual harrassment. I think I had one today but I'm not sure, it also seemed like those men were calling a third guy, not me. Anyway, aside from that...it's truly wonderful, walking home. Any anguish I have over Joseph, I walk it out. And I still have a lot.
To wrap this up, I want to tell the world that I just hit my head. I was putting on some shoes that Brother #3 and wife gave me, as a belated birthday present. My ankle twisted and I felt gravity overpowering me. What an awful sensation, to be falling. I fell on my elbow and then on my head. It hurts a little, the left side of my body: the ankle, the back, the elbow, the back of my head.
So, I have a funeral to attend, later today (since it's already past midnight). And this pit in my stomach, it just won't go away.
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