Sunday, 01.03.10 - 5:27 pm.
Happy New Year! I didn't have the chance to write after ringing in the new year with my family, so I'm writing my first entry of the year at home. I flew in from Houston last night.
I am so, so exhausted from the trip. Today I've been holed up in my bedroom putting my stuff and my life in order. The weather is awesome and I thought of finding someone to go out with...but I chose stay and have some time to myself. I go back to work tomorrow, part-time. To me, that is great news. I have a lot of errands to run and things to write and people to meet, and I'll have the afternoons for that.
These two weeks were delightful. It's always a blast going abroad and being with my family (by family I mean parents, brothers and their wives, my sister, three nephews and one niece). There were one or two conflicts, but by comparison with other families, it seems we handle them very well and they don't last more than a couple of hours.
By now, I'm used to saying goodbye to members of my family, although I always get a knot in my thorat and my heart shrinks when I hug them goodbye...there are never enough words to thank them for always looking out for me. Who knows when we'll have the chance to be together again. Brother #1 and wife stay in Houston, while Nephew #1 goes to NYU and Niece finishes her program in Montana; Sister and Nephew #2 stay here; Brother #2 wife and baby Nephew #3 are moving to New Mexico by mid-year; Brother #3 and wife stay here. I'm here, too, and by the end of this year, I may still be here or not.
Anyway. It's always funny to think that one morning I was in one country and by the time I went to bed I was in another one. Yesterday morning I walked a relatively long distance (in Houston, everything is far if you go walking, it seems) to buy donuts as a thank-you for my family. My legs are still sore, by the way. Then my sister and I flew back home. She, myself and our loot arrived safely and intact.
On the plane I watched Love Happens with Jennifer Aniston. It was a nice movie but we landed before I finished it. The ending is predictable, though. I related to the movie because some things reminded me of JC...one thing in particular hit me hard, and there was even a helmet involved, the way JC gave me a helmet as a gift. Stupid chick flicks. The guy was all confused and mourning a previous partner (kinda like JC was), and I wanted to yell at Aniston, "wake up, he's going to leave you anyway! They only get back to you in movies!". But this was a movie, so...The guy solves his issues, makes up for being a jerk and they live happily ever after.
Speaking of JC, and you knew I'd bring him up...I wrote him a letter last night. It was to tell him:
(1) things I would have loved to tell him while I was there, that did not relate to "us", just funny stuff;
(2) that I brought him something, and to ask him when, where and on what terms I can see him to give them to him;
(3) that I'm hurt over how things turned out (i.e. me being a rebound, as Valerie pointed out), that I harbor no hope for us getting back together* because he was very clear, and because of that he can call me to hang out in a friendly manner whenever he wants. Yes, I let the door open, but I know that either out of shame, awkwardness or simple realization that he's better off without me, he won't contact me.
* That's a tiny lie. But I talked to my friend Victor1 last night and he said I have to remember the lesson I painfully learned with Joseph: do not stick around waiting for something to happen when evidence proves it won't. If by any chance JC would want and would dare to fix things between us, then he can come look for me, I've put enough effort in this relationship already. And for startes, this isn't a movie, so he won't come.
I do wish he'd replied to my e-mail by now. If I knew him a little, I'd say he's taking his time to process everything and think of a proper reply, although I asked him not to bother touching the subject again because he can only say "thank you" and "I'm sorry". Then my neurotic side starts thinking of other possibilities that may mean he didn't get the message. But I'll stick to the first one and wait for a week.
Thanks to my life experience, I don't believe in the messages movies and fairy tales present. Sure, I still believe in love and I think it's an awesome thing to find and to have. But I know that no matter how good things are at some point, they may end eventually. And to avoid that, it takes work. And it takes TWO. So far, most of the guys I've crossed paths with leave me working alone. I thought JC would be different and it'd be an awesome partnership. But he, like The Guy (2001), D. (2002), Joe (2003-2009, kind of), Lighthouse (2009), Art (2009) and to some extent Joseph (2004-2008), was mostly a fantasy, an illusion.
These two weeks away from everything made me stronger, I can tell you that. I rarely hear what I want to hear but I'm getting good at being in peace with that fact. It hurts badly, but it seems I'm getting really good at handling reality.
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