Wednesday, 10.13.2010 - 11:21 pm.
I had dinner with four female cousins tonight plus my sister. All of them are older than me by at least 15 years, but they're pretty cool.
When I hang around my long-distance family, aside from feeling all right by having these bonds and history, I think of my future family. I long for settling down one day and having a stable home, like some of my relatives. I always saw myself with Joseph but I was uncertain he would be the type to build a home with. There, I've said it. Not that I didn't want to, but he's like, kind of...some sort of Peter Pan. I didn't put this in his letter but dude, getting married and having a child isn't an automatic ticket to adulthood.
I did wish to live with him, to have a life with him. I still wish for it, with the additional wish of him being a different person (go figure!)...I mean, Joseph, who never got married to anybody else but me, more mature, with personal goals and willing to learn how to make them come true. To live with him all the neat and the nasty of sharing a home and a bed with someone. Making a living during the day (something he isn't very qualified for, because he's wasted most of his youth and never prepared himself), then cuddling up, going out and having fun at night; traveling a little. Kids later (I wanted to adopt, he didn't). I would have liked that but I wonder how much of a partner and how much of a teenage son he would have been to me.
It just occurs to me, poor Joseph. I don't know what he thinks of himself but it's going to be tough when he realizes, if he hasn't yet, that he, as a husband and father, will need certain skills he never mastered. And I suppose if for some reason I got to talk to him again and I pushed him to study and get a real job, arguing that one day he'll retire, he'd say "I'm not going to live that long". Although maybe he thinks differently now that he has a child.
He used to tell me that he saw himself ending like a beggar in the street. Like some man that hung around the university. Alone, dirty, with a long beard. I'm starting to believe it, and I don't like that. Hopefully not, but he has a knack for self-fulfilling prophecies. I wanted to offer him a different life, but it required him some sacrifices he wasn't willing to make (like going back to school).
And...I really wasn't going to talk about Joseph today. Sorry.
***
This Facebook thing has a way to mess with your feelings. I saw today that Joe posted a song on my friend Monica's wall. Now they know each other because they're both musicians, jazz musicians. And then she posted some in-joke on his wall. And he replied to her. And then posted another song on her wall.
And I got angry. And jealous.
Of which one, you may ask. Of Monica, because she's stealing the attention of a guy I kinda sorta have a crush on? Of Joe, who's stealing the attention of the girl I kinda sorta have a crush on? Well, I'll be damned.
But not because I think they're going to date. I couldn't care less if they did. I'm still dealing with feeling put aside by Monica, who never replied to my messages and has yet to return my White Stripes DVD. I'm almost done getting over Joe and I'm not heartbroken because nothing ever happened, but he never replied to my messages about going to the theater together.
So here's the thing: I am fucking sore. It's a shame I didn't have this diary in 8th grade (although I made references to that year in the first entries), that would explain much better why I have strong issues with being ignored. But anyway, I am angry.
It's not intentional...I know Joe doesn't check his FB inbox too often, and who knows if Monica does. But she used to! She used to reply to me before. One day she started skipping my wall and inbox and text messages, and I can't help thinking it was around the time she got all rock star-ish.
I said "fuck you, fuck all of you" on my status, and she was the first one to reply: "fuck all of them". That makes me feel funny because I was thinking of her, as well as other people, when I wrote it. I thought to myself, "no, no, Monica...fuck you!". I know she loves me. I know she's very fond of me. She just doesn't need me anymore. THAT makes me angry. I feel discarded by her. You could say my anger at Joe comes from the fact that he doesn't like me back but that's as harmless as a wonderful picnic at a park. His reaction or lack thereof towards me is very honest, hence I know we're not on the same page and I can stop trying and go on with my life.
I'm just pissy because two people I've been trying to get attention from pay no attention to me and instead pay attention to each other.
Oh, hey, JC called me today and said he's finally free to meet up one of these days, we'll probably do it over the weekend. What, sucker, are you going to tell me about how you got back to your girlfriend after screwing me?