Friday, Sept. 29, 2023 - 9:41 pm.
One can go back to my previous entry and see me in utter despair over making a request for a commission to someone I know (I called her acquaintance, but I like to think of her as a friend). I ran around in circles, all anxious and ashamed, over what I thought might be a shared history in which I didn't properly pay for a previous service of hers.
But you know, she replied a few days ago. And do you know what she said? "I'd love to do it! Is this for your book?" and added a heart-eyed emoji.
Then I got to feel bad for dumping the projection that I think others have of me onto others.
Now, the problem is that I was about to seal the deal for a commision with another freelancer when my friend answered. I was in despair again at having to stop this conversation with the freelancer, but I did ask my friend before I asked the freelancer and she seemed into it. I was happy and relieved she wanted to do it.
But now the whole week has passed since she replied to my message and I wrote again with more details for the job. Now I'm not happy I had to let go of this freelancer, as she was ready to start the work this week. But hey, it's not that someone's rushing me to get this book out, anyway. It'll come out when it comes out.
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Speaking of a week passing by, Andrew and I would have signed the papers to buy our apartment this week, but the person at the bank overseeing our purchase went on vacation. She left someone else looking after our case but they haven't replied to a question we had, something we need to clarify in order to sign the papers. We've been trying to reach this other person all week.
I want to get really angry, but I just say that all workers have a right to go on vacation. So I'm afraid we'll just buy the apartment when we fucking buy it. Though right now it feels like we'll never move into it.
We were also in a rush to sign this week because next week Andrew and I are going to a Psych Conference out of town. We're going to the Antarctic, baby! Not really. Well, a bit. Not the continent itself, but we're going to the southernmost city of the American continent.
Andrew and I should've gotten married there. I just wanted my marriage license to say we got married in the Antarctic. We actually went there for the same conference ten years ago (which is when we decided to get married, and we did a year later). I loved that place.
I wanted to live there. I still would like to live in this city overlooking the Strait of Magellan. But it's so far away from everything, and it'd be even harder for me to go visit my family, or to have people come visit me.
By the way, I'm a keynote speaker at the conference, haha. My first reaction when people invite me to give a talk is "please, stop inviting me to things", but I appreciate that people notice my work.
Plus, the organizers of this year's conference are two of Andrew's closest friends from his undergrad years (and they are also a couple). It was them who nudged us to go study our PhD at Sheffield. They'd done so and were so in love with the city and the whole experience of living there. Listening to their suggestion is one of the best things I have ever done.
Andrew and I leave on Tuesday afternoon, to attend the conference from Wednesday to Friday. As a keynote speaker I'll be attending a dinner party on Thursday, which I appreciate being invited to but I'd rather not go. I don't like socializing with colleagues. And my keynote speech is on Friday morning, come on.
Also, I've been booked to do an interview for the organizer uni's TV channel after my speech. I don't want to, but I'm also running out of fucks to give. Let me tell you all about sexual orientation and gender identity.
At least we'll have Saturday off to do some sightseeing nearby. And then we return on Sunday, just in a time for our week-long uni spring break. I was so hopeful that we'd be moving into our new apartment that week.
Back to socializing with colleagues: I had to give another talk yesterday. It was about my PhD, mechanisms of fiction to reduce transphobia, a topic I truly enjoy. It was a talk in English. Not a lot of people attended, which is always a bummer, but it was aimed at students and there were some nice questions at the end.
There were also a few professors, some of whom were the organizers of these seminars in English. After I finished, one of them, a woman in her 60s or 70s, asked me about the difference between transexual and transgender. Everything went downhill from there.
I mean, I told her the differences. She wasn't "getting it", but was polite about it. I try to be patient because I know sexuality and gender isn't an easy topic, and I was willing to talk more about it. Then, to my disgrace, I was invited for coffee after the talk by the organizer and this professor.
We talked for about an hour. Although civil at all times, this woman turned out to be rather mysoginistic, and we know the attitudes that come with that sort of thinking. She was the kind of person who can't understand why you need to "announce" your sexuality or gender, and who says men and women complement each other and there's no such thing as gender discrimination.
She said at some point that she prefered seeing male doctors over female doctors, because the latter are very hysterical. I asked her if she was hysterical and she said no. "But you're a woman", I said. She didn't get to that line but I'm sure she thinks "she's not like the other girls". She was very thick. We parted ways amicably but I ended up exhausted, and I've tried not to think too much about it and just tell myself that I did what I could.
And it won't be the last time. And I should be prepared. My biggest tragedy here is that I don't have a quick wit, so I can think of clever comebacks but hours after the conversation is done. I had everything to read this woman to filth, but it took me a while to realize that she was never gonna get the difference between transexual and transgender because for her sex was gender, and neither type of people should exist.
I came out to her the moment she brought up bisexuals. She is not a person who deserved to know that about me, but also, I needed something for her to stop thinking in abstracts. She and the other professor didn't seem alarmed by my coming out, but who knows if it did any good on the long run.
That was the cherry on top for a very intense week. It wasn't bad, really, and it certainly wasn't as stressful like that hour of having coffee with a bigoted lady. Actually, my main source of tiredness is all the effort I put into not feeling stressed. And it worked! I had a lot on my plate this week but here I am, feeling relatively fresh and mildly accomplished.
Also, it's my dad's 87th(!) birthday tomorrow!
Wish me luck at the conference. Wish that I stand my ground when I have to. Overall, I hope Andrew and I will have a good trip and enjoy ourselves. See you when we get back.
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