Saturday, Jan. 27, 2024 - 12:12 pm.
I'm finally on vacation for a month. Since the 4th of January I've felt like this month has been too long, and it's still here. That's just as well. I'm swamped with job responsibilities but I enjoy what I do; I've gotten encouraging compliments about my work and my character linked to it. I've felt appreciated and trusted with sensitive tasks that hopefully one day will pay off. Nevertheless, I've been careful to set boundaries around how much I can or will do in a day, otherwise I'd lose my mind.
Andrew and I haven't made any plans for our vacation. I may go vote to my country's embassy next weekend, just out of sheer solidarity with my people living in hell. Just as a statement and not with hope. Then we might go see some friends in another city, and see friends in this city when they are not on holiday. We've been good at entertaining people at our apartment, and Andrew's cooking skills and carefully curated spreads dazzle our visitors.
A few weeks ago we invited two colleagues for dinner. They share an office in front of mine and two doors down from Andrew's in the Psych Department. We've had friendly exchanges, mostly work-related, but as we did this more often it dawned on me that they were a couple. I suspected it, mostly. In retrospective, everybody knows probably, but they're quite low-key about it and it's easy to miss if someone goes about their day just looking at what's under their heteronormative nose.
But I didn't miss it. The first colleague, the one I talk to the most, began to give me a queer vibe. I admire the work and research she does, and sometimes I pay attention to how she does some things I'd like to do, like running a lab. I talked less to her "office mate", but this colleague was visibly queer. So queer that to me their name, so feminine-sounding, was a wrong match for who they were.
I grew a soft spot for this person as we worked together on a uni policy and this person asked me to sit next to them in a meeting because -they said- they felt I was trustworthy. Then it dawned on me they are on the autistic spectrum (and thus considered me a safe person, which was an honor). Some time later this person said so themself during a postgrad seminar while giving feedback on a student's research project with neurodivergent people, saying "we" instead of "them".
Andrew and I decided to invite these two colleagues after one night when Andrew and I were at a sushi restaurant and they walked in. I thought it was the first colleague with a man, and I said to myself that my gaydar had failed after all. Then I noticed it was actually my second colleague. I was right then, and yay, there's more queer people to surround myself with. A few days later, we invited them for dinner the upcoming week (this one).
One or two days after that invitation, the whole Psych Department got an email from the Head of Department on assorted topics, one of them about my second colleague. The HD referred to this colleague as "he" and informed us of his name change, which would be soon reflected in his email and office door (the HD's field of work is diversity and inclusion AND her partner has a trans son, so she stands her ground on these topics). So I was right! My first colleague was at the restaurant with a man indeed, and my second colleague's original name, his deadname, was just not a good fit for him. At all.
Up until then, I used to be more accomodating of people who say have a "hard time" changing names and pronouns of people who transition because, yeah, well, habit. It's the first time I have someone in my close circle transitioning and it's a very natural, very mundane thing. I thought about him a lot after the email and felt happy for my colleague, and what a both relevant and irrelevant change this was.
I also felt somewhat protective of him, but the guy, as introverted and clinically anxious he is, knows martial arts and is not afraid to bust a move. And his partner, my first colleague, is also all about standing up and speaking up for oneself. They've been together for a long time, I've learned, and it's sweet to me seeing first-hand a partner supporting their partner as they transition to their most authentic self.
So our colleagues, he and she, came over on Thursday. We had a great dinner, great conversation. Queerness was not a topic (I'm not sure if they know or suspect that Andrew and I are bi, though). My second colleague said at some point that he was sweating more lately because of the testosterone, but it was a throwaway comment as we blasted the industrial fan we have because Andrew also gets really hot in summer. My second colleague gets awfully anxious in social situations, but my first colleague said he felt really comfortable with us. I hope so. It was a lovely evening.
I didn't mean to write all of the above. I came to this box thinking I was gonna mention I have a colleague who is a trans man and looks a bit like Jim Carrey, but the story just flowed. It's a nice story too. It's cool to see nature coming through in academic spaces.
We also had friends over yesterday, to celebrate our uni month-long break. We had our close friend L, and our new friend, J. We sat in our balcony with drinks in hand and basked in the summer breeze.
We had a great time, but then L left for another social engagement. Andrew got drunk (it doesn't take much for the two of us to get drunk, half a flute can do) and was rude to J over a silly thing. He was treating him with contempt and I froze, because we're not the couple to berate one another in public, but he was having a nasty attitude, pushing J's button with a hint of anger. In retrospective, I should've just told Andrew to go wash his face or something like that.
Andrew recognized he was being rude as he spoke and said sorry, so I thought he was gonna stop. But then he continued, until J, politely, said he had to get going. I got up and said no, stay a bit more. Andrew also said no and apologized for having a rude attitude, and this time he finally went to the bathroom to freshen up. J actually stayed longer after that. He did not have to get going.
Andrew apologized to him again as he was leaving, some time later and having switched -thankfully- to a more pleasant mood once Andrew took some time out on his own accord. We'd made plans with J to go for drinks next Wednesday, and I asked him about that in case he'd changed his mind (I'd have understood if he had). He said we're still on.
Since J left last night I haven't talked to Andrew. I don't feel like it. I felt sad about the whole thing, guilty that I didn't speak up to keep him from going on. I'm angry and ashamed. I feel dissapointed in him, which... I had never felt that way about Andrew. I know he can be annoying when he gets annoyed with something or someone, but he was being right down pedantic and dismissive of what J was saying. J's the sweetest guy, a friend that I've made recently and that I'm grateful to have.
Andrew realized what he'd done, sincerely apologized, and he'll probably be more vigilant of his own behavior. That is the most one can do when one fucks up the way he did. But he broke something. I'm allowed to sit with that for a while.
I'd end on that bitter note, but I have to also mention that we've started attending our final adoption workshops. The first session was good, I'm actually looking forward to the other two. But also, I already said this but our kid can come into our lives at any moment. We're preparing contingency plans to deal with (or delegate) our responsibilities in case we have to go on maternity/paternity leave suddenly in the middle of the academic semester. Luckily our workplace is very supportive and our colleagues/bosses are very happy for us.
Imagine that one day, in this diary, I'll be posting something like I always do. And then the following post, within a week or maybe months, I'll just come and say "shit, our child is here".
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