Feelings for boys, jesuits remembrance and yes, I like black.
Friday, 11/12/04 - 10:15 pm.

The university seems to be caught up in a hurry, because of the jesuits anniversary. The vigil is tomorrow night, and there'll be activities all day long...as there've been all week long.

But all that is kind of far away from me. Not because I'm apathetic, but because I haven't found a way to get into the circle of the people who are always around to help in these activities, or to be part of them.

Today my guitar lesson was completely dedicated to Stairway to Heaven. I sat on a corner and Joe only came around a couple of times, to see how I was coming along. I was relieved to see my feelings for him were gone, but it upset me to see that him and "the girl" do not have a thing going on, as I'd forced myself to believe. And THEN I thought that maybe my feelings for him aren't completely gone. Point is we barely talk to each other if it isn't stricticly necessary, which kind of saddens me.

He sat on a stool on the opposite corner, in front of me, and he got absorbed in his own playing, forgetting all of his pupils for a while. I wanted to take a picture of him.

You like black, don't you?, a fellow pupil asked me today before class. It was a strange comment, but I nodded. I do. I'm not "dark" or "goth" but black is certainly my favorite color, at least if we're speaking of clothes.

After the lesson (leaving a bit dissapointed, because Joe and I don't really talk anymore) I met up with Joseph. We went to the coffeehouse, where we happily discovered they'd started to sell doughnuts. We found a table, and he said I looked absolutely beautiful (I got my hair straightened yesterday).

I can't wait for the day in which we'll be like this [sitting at a table] and I'll take out a ring to give it to you. It's funny that he's dying to get married, when that had never been a goal in my life. Like I must've said once or twice in this diary, he's the girl in this relationship.

Afterwards we went back to the campus, sat on a bench behind some bushes and just talked and talked. I love being with him, it's perfect. At some point we had our back against each other's and Joe walked by. We waved. And I felt something strange.

Victor arrived a little later. He'd forgotten we had to meet up at 2, but that's ok. I had no idea why we were doing so. Joseph had things to do, and Victor had to return a book at the library, so I was left alone for a while.

I'd taken Prozac Nation with me today, because I need an excerpt for a paper. Even though sometimes the girl gets on my nerves, I kind of understand how she feels. The commiting suicide by slitting your wrists while listening to strawberry fields was exactly what had been on my mind, so although I'm not chronically depressed (and at this point of my life, I'm not depressed at all) I relate. Somehow.

Hmph. That's a tangent. I took it out and read for a while. A nice guy from high school (who once had a crush on me) came by and sat for a while. We talked. D walked by right then. The guy said something about giving him a CD for his birthday, it contained the last Saint Seiya movie...but he scratched the CD by accident and he can't see the last five minutes of it. I replied: aw, I saw him on his birthday, but I didn't approach to congratulate him because he was with his girlfriend.

And right there I discovered I actually feel bad for not saying happy birthday to him (it was on the 4th).

Just like I discovered this morning that I still feel really bad for not attending Joe's tribute to The Beatles about three weeks ago.

Guilt. Oh, joy.

The guy left for his class, for which he was late, and I kept reading. D walked by fast (I guess he was late for class, too), and called my name and then said hi. He still makes me feel funny, but not in a puppy love way. It's more like hey, you hurt me a lot, you know? but that was a long time ago, let's be acquaintances. Which we are. Yay, or something.

Victor finally came back from the library, and we decided to attend a mini-tour a few people from the cultural center were doing, all around campus. It was a music number, and a dance number. JC (the music man, as I call him, because he can play every instrument) was in the band, of course. And again, I wanted to have talent.

I met another friend of Victor's thought, who's part of that revolutionary side of the university. We started to talk and he said: I thought you were dark or something...I mean, since you wear black all the time. Ok, just what the fuck is up with my wardrobe? Well, no, it didn't bother me, really. I actually took it as a compliment, as a "I thought you were apathetic and had no social awareness, since you look like a goddamn punk, but now that I've seen you interested in the jesuits' anniversary, I know you're not like that".

Then it was class, and then it was being with Joseph, who bought me another doughnut. And we sat to talk for a while.

You know, I was going to break up with you after that day [the day he made me cry, because he tried to...well, finger me, and almost did it without my consent]. I realized right then that I'd only hurt you, so we'd be better off as friends...and you'd be what I could never have.

I never wanted my gilfriends to be my daughters, but they always turned out to be so. They only needed my help, whereas I wanted a woman to have a serious relationship with. You're not a baby girl, like they all were, you're very mature...but somehow you're still MY baby girl.

Mushy stuff. He's cute, anyway, and I do love him. Even if sometimes I think of Joe in ways I shouldn't. No...I am seriously in love with Joseph.

I'm thinking of entering writing contests. I'm drowning in assignments and deadlines right now (as you can't really tell, by the lenght of my entries), since the semester is ending. But I'll try to write something, maybe I can enter a contest next year.

Joseph asked me about my book today, which meant so much to me. He'd never shown any interest in my writing, it always seemed like he didn't care.

A few people are asking about my book by now. Next week, I reply, angry at the fact that it could be out by now. Angie did, too. Which brings me to what she said to me tonight.

Today at work, three, THREE guys asked me out. And figure, two of them are 30ish and ARE MARRIED. They all insisted "just a cup of coffee", "I can pick you up at the university", "I can ask your parents". I'm offended by the invitation alone.

Angie's certainly good-looking, and I know she's been sexually harrassed in the past. I HATE that, so I said: Tell them you can't go out with them, because you have a girlfriend. That'll be me. And if they ask, we can't have threesomes either, because we loathe men.

Oh, she will tell them. And if it fails, I can always send my skillfull knife-wise boyfriend and his huge killer-whale like bodyguard (Tiny) to kick their ass. They're good at that.

As it's custommary in me lately, I have to go, for I have assignments to get done.

prev / next