Saturday, 12/11/04 - 9:28 pm.
Today was my last final, and that means I'm out of the university until march. At noon, I went for lunch with Victoria, Irene and Victor, and then for an ice cream. Although Angie didn't join us (it seems she didn't want to), we had a lot of fun, the four of us.
But I'm not happy. I'm far from happy and the only thing I think about tonight is slicing my thighs. Well, it's not the only thin, but it's certainly the consequence of today's events. I've cried the entire afternoon, and my family does nothing but annoy me (not on purpose, really).
Why? WHY? I will tell you why.
I was going to Joseph's house after the get together with my friends. I was going to Cel's house, actually, and THEN to his house. But I was at the ice cream parlor and my dad called.
I'm a little late, the people we're meeting up with are late, so you'll have to wait a little more for me, ok? Did Celina reach you? She called, and said she won't be home this afternoon.
I quickly sank, I felt as though I was being swallowed by a black hole. My plans had fallen apart at the last second, when I was thinking "in 30 minutes I'll be in Joseph's house, and he'll see I kept my promise". I hadn't, right, and so the next thing I was thinking of was how I was going to tell him, now that my face was all over the floor. He wanted me to meet his parents today. I was going to.
You see, I don't want to hear those but it isn't your fault comments. I know it isn't my fault, but it was a promise I'd made. Joseph didn't blame me when I told him, but of course he was absolutely dissapointed on me, although he never said anything remotely close to that. He didn't care for the means, he cared for the result. And there was no result, I wasn't going to his house. And that was my last chance to patch things up betwen us.
I called him, and explained everything briefly. I'm sorry, I said, ashamed. And we didn't say anything for over 3 minutes.
It was a long, tangled conversation. I tried to remain calm. I asked him if he still wanted to go out with me on monday. No, I don't, he said painfully. Of course not.
I was wrong, you know? I thought that you were unhappy because of something else...I was more worried about quantity than quality of time (...) you don't have to explain anything, I know what you meant when you told me to look for you. I know he meant he was sick of this relationship not getting out of the campus. The goddamn problem is that I took everything for granted. The end.
I don't know what to do...all I'm gonna do is keep this relationship in a box, frozen, until you come back and we can work it out. That made me hopeful, but not happy at all. You're gonna turn 20...do me a favor in Houston: get out at night.
He's never blamed me, you know? At times it sounds like he's trying to shove guilt down my throat, but the truth is that he's hurt. He's never said anything like "you should've done this and that".
The problem is that we're too different. He's spontaneous, he says, whereas I need to plan everything carefully. And he understands none of us is willing to give in and turn into what the other is (although I'd love some of his spontaneity). I just hate it when he says then I guess I've taught you nothing, because he has. It's just that I don't really show. I have learned something from him everyday.
He said...he said a lot of things, and just to remember his voice I feel like crying. I have failed him, simple as that. I said I would come over to meet his parents, and I didn't. I KNOW IT ISN'T MY FAULT BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING!!!!!!
I wanted to smash my head against the mirror, I'm so pissed off, and I hate myself. I hate myself, I am a failure. And I've cried all afternoon.
This is what I want as a New Year gift, He said: don't cry. Well, fuck you. Fuck you and your stupid "I'm not worth it". You are worth it to me, jerk. Don't cry. I'm not worth it. If you haven't lost me, don't cry. I'm not dead.
I'd never had this kind of pain, and I couldn't even compare it to 8th grade, to senior year, to anything. This is because I hurt someone I love, and still that person insists that the relationship isn't broken, just so I won't cry. It is broken...our conversations aren't like the ones we used to have three months ago, in which he'd make me laugh, and I'd say clever things. These are just about awkward silences and apologies and answerless questions like "what do you want me to do?".
C (his best friend) told me you were the right one for me. I found your friend Art, drunk out of his mind, and he stood up for you, too. But you know what..? In the end, it's my choice. I said yes, it is. And that didn't hurt. It was actually what I'd tried to tell him moments ago, but I couldn't finish the sentence, because it contained "break up with me", and I didn't want to start crying.
The thing that hurts the most, aside from my stupidity (not realizing everything was wrong), is that, if he was to break up with me it wouldn't be because he doesn't love me, but because I let him down.
I seriously hate myself, and aside from crying, I've tried to come up with plans. Everything has gone wrong, so I don't see why another plan would work out. But regardless, I have two plans now. I fear they'll go wrong, too, but I must try. I'm thinking of every detail, every question, every answer, every possible excuse.
Joe was online this afternoon, but I have absolutely no need to talk to him. I want Joseph. I want to do something right for once.
- Him: so is there anything else you'd like to say to me?
- Me: thank you.
prev / next