Saturday, 01/22/05 - 2:53 pm.
A McDonald's apple pie is laying between the monitor and me, but not for long. This would be the equivalent of a cigarrete break. The kids are out, one has violin lessons, one has a basketball game and one more is tagging along. I decided to stay home and take a break from them, even though I've kept my distance this morning.
My 12 year-old nephew took the SAT this morning, and meanwhile, in the house, my niece was yelling "YOU BIG LIAR!!!" at her mom, and having some sort of breakdown. I heard the whole thing, but her mom never yelled back. It's a huge conflict, that science project of hers. Luckily, I think she calmed down by noon. Oh, and meanwhile, my 8 year-old nephew was in front of a monitor. I always try to make him measure himself, and he's a good kid, but I'm afraid he's picking up a few behaviors from the other two.
Speaking of children, yesterday I took my niece and the 8 year-old to the school playground. Because my niece's crush had invited her to play during the prime time recess. They ran around for 2 hours, while I only sat at a bench and drew, listening to George Harrison.
A beautiful little girl, blonde hair, green eyes, came up to me and said my drawings were cute. We exchanged a few words, or rather, she told me she was sick and her mom gave her cookies and milk at night. I gave her a little drawing of my dog, Frog, and she walked away.
Then she came back. Can you speak spanish? That girl over there says you're from El Salvador. To my surprise, she started to speak in spanish, too. Fluently. I asked where she was from, and she said Mexico. And walked away again. And came back once more: actually, I don't know where I'm from. I told her to ask her mommy and daddy that same night.
Later, a chubby kid came up, too. He was cute, like the kid from that show...two and a half man, is it? He too said he liked my drawing, and described me every item I'd drawn, like he was explaining it to me. He got everything...the dead guy, the angry person (though that was a Simeon Tyrannosaur) eating the happy people. We talked for a while, too. I asked him if he wanted to draw something, and he did. He took the drawing when recess was over. It was very cute.
Under those circumstances, I remembered what this guy on a cheap newspaper said about my book (it's the only mention in print, anyway). She could be a good writer for children. I don't like the idea. But the drawings I was making yesterday related to something I'm [kind of] writing. I guess it's not that bad...At least those children got what I was drawing, and they're not that judgemental. They were rather interested, and interest is something I've failed to awake in my contemporaries (where the fuck did that line come from?).
I hadn't been on a swing in years. And so, when all the children were gone (except for my nephew and niece), I started to swing. It amazed me. Swinging feels so good (especially to George Harrison's music). I think the world would be a happier place if grown-ups went on swings once in a while.
This morning there were a few items on the table, and I didn't even look at them. I knew they were there, but I didn't really noticed. When my brother came into the room, he grabbed one of the items and said "a friend of mine sends you this". I picked it up, amazed that I hadn't even looked at it before: skywritting by word of mouth, by...John Lennon.
I inmediately sat and read 1/4 of it. My brother said his friend, whom, for the record, I don't know, is a musician, and loves The Beatles and owns a lot of stuff. I can't figure out why he sent it to me, other than the fact that I love everything Beatles and "Beatles fans unite" and such, but thanks a lot, man. That was entirely unexpected.
I love John Lennon's style, he's a genius. It's the style I always wanted to accomplish myself. I guess I have a source of inspiration now. Jesus. I can't over such surprise.
Last night I was feeling awful. I was desperate, I needed to talk to someone. Just talk. I was feeling like I did in high school, that overwhelming, breathtaking desperation I had whenever D wasn't online, or was online and wouldn't talk to me. Something like that, but maybe a little more acute, because this time I didn't have anyone else to send a message to. I desperately downloaded two messengers, and neither work.
But Angel came to the rescue, as usual. I'd sent him a brief e-mail, I feel like this and like this, and he inmediately called me, at almost 11:30 pm. He then set up a chat room just so we could talk. As soon as we started to talk about lame stuff (because he's quite lame), I finally stopped feeling restless.
I sent you an e-mail, Angel said, and I went to check my inbox. When I finished reading it, I noticed an e-mail from Joe had just arrived, and that...that was a shock. It was as unexpected as getting Skywriting this morning.
That was when I realized that maybe all that agitation I had the entire night came from him. I was breathless when I saw his name, and I was calm-yet-excited when I finished reading his e-mail. Hours before, I'd said "I don't want a fuckin' e-mail, or a fucking username talking to me...I want a person, a face; I want pores, not pixels".
So yes, I was feeling like I felt with D, and although the circumstance was quite different, the cure was simple: hear from that guy. I didn't know if I was so restless because of Joe, or rather, the lack of communication (in the last two...days), but I automatically felt I could go to bed when I was done reading his e-mail.
Joe has two personalities. Yesterday the Guitar Instructor wrote me. The Instructor is much nicer than the other personality (having in mind the birthday e-mail he sent me). He said we could meet up at the university one day, so he can help me improve on some thing I've always trouble with. He can also give me MP3s that could be useful and some printed material, all for the price of nor hurting him (because, in reply to the birthday e-mail, I said I wanted to hurt him).
It's a horrible thing to say, but I believe I think more of him than I think of my boyfriend. Or actually, I think of both. But that's not a consolation. I feel like a horrible person, like I'm a cheater. I have this constant fear of messing up, especially with the names...both have the same name, but Joe's middle name is attached to the first, so you say both. What if I say "Joseph" and then Joe's middle name? I'd fallen for Joe long before Joseph came along, and almost a year before we even actually met, in that guitar room.
All I can say now, aside from "this turned out to be a long entry", is that the apple pie is gone.
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