Wednesday, 09/19/01 - 6:55 p.m..
Hooray, it was quite pathetic.
This day was truly pathetic. Not that I'm not happy with my life, but I felt like I had no place to go. And I spent the whole day all by myself. No Carmen, no Veron...well, I take her absence for granted.
Seriously, I was floating in a parallel universe. The first recess...I can't remember what I did, but I know I walked without knowing where to go. Then, the half hour recess I spent it all by myself, again, walking around, like the ghost I've always thought I am. But this time around, my lonelines felt quite different. I felt helpeless. With not a place to go, uncomfortable everywhere I was. I wanted to be with someone. That doesn't mean I wanted to be with anybody I knew. I feel I'm missing somebody.
Two girls, Lourdes and Karen, told me my nose is pretty. Aw.
I locked the classroom door when we got out to the half-hour recess and everyone blamed my social studies teacher. Yeeeeah. It was really cool, seeing everyone trying to open it, and I was away, just looking at that mass.
Then our psychology teacher told us to go the classroom where they have the TV. We're watching The Mirror Has Two Faces. I'd always hated Barbra Streisand, until now. Althought I don't like her nose, I admire the fact that (seems to me) she's accepted it as hers, and therefore, hasn't operated. *Sigh*, the bottom line is that I felt totally related to her charachter...I mean, the way she thinks. How frustrated she was. That was it. I felt even more pathetic and decrepit. It got me thinking...there are two kinds of people: the ones who love me (who I don't love back and are not physically atractive but have pure love towards me) and the ones I love (who don't love me back, are physically atractive...)...well, I don't know how to put it...the thing is, I want a man who loves me and wants me, and who I love and want back.....in a few words, neither of them have what I'm really looking for. I guess you can't fuckin' have it all.
It was hard to get up today...again. It is hard. I think my body is already feeling the stress of working my ass off this year, like I have never done it before. I'm tired out. I found out why I haven't seen my-all-selves in an individual way lately...we're all going for the same goals: to survive this fuckin' school year and...well, we're all getting tired of dealing with ourselves. Not that we're actually tired of each other, it's just we could use some company besides us.
there goes the schizophrenic girl, said this boy who is in the same course as me but whose name I don't even know. But I know him as the guy who calls me 'schizophrenic girl'. Hell, yeah.
So, yay, it's raining. I'll go study math because the motherfucking exams are scaring the shit out of me. Then I'll go to bed early. Doing the math, I sleep 7 and a half hours. Usually even 6 hours do it for me, but now I seem to need 10 hours. I'm tired out, jaded, alone, sick of it all...and all of that shit that makes you want to stay in bed. That's a place where nothing happens. But if I hadn't gotten out of it today, I would have never find the chocolate my dad brought me last night. Guess those are the little things that life is about.
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