Please, hug me.
Wednesday, 04/24/02 - 9:08 pm.

Can you feel the love around? I do. Strangely, I've had quite nice encounters with people lately. Today it was the best...everybody was very friendly to me. so I'm guessing tomorrow I'll be back to my normal antosocial behavior and I'll be back to my invisibility. Anything *that* good can only last for a couple of days.

I got to talk with my obese girl today. I love her so much. She's so skinny, I could give her a bear hug with one arm, so to speak...but sssshhh, don't tell her. She's my obese girl. I love spending time with her. She could be my best friend. Victor still laughs about me calling her obese. And speaking of him, he's kind of pissed off because he hasn't had sex in about 5 weeks. But he's taking it pretty well.

Oh, dear God...are these girls so self-centered, ego-maniac, megalomaniac, or what? I mean...they seem to be awfully in love with themselves. Simeon and I are betting that they'll model for Playboy. I'm sick of them. And no, maybe it's not that bad to have all that crap about yourself...movies, cartoons, gameboy games, CD-rom games, sitcoms...the problem is they're plain stupid. Oooh, that guy is sooooo cute. Every movie I've seen (not on purpouse!), involves cute kids. Or them playing the rich girl and the poor girl changing lifes.

Mary Kate & Ashley...spreading girly stupidity all around the globe.

Ricardo was very kind to me this afternoon. I was at the cafeteria, buying lunch and he asked me to buy his. I ordered but the cafeteria was just packed. He wanted a burger and it just so happened they'd ran out of them, so he only bought Pepsi cola. It took me 45 minutes to get my order, but he said: I'll stick around while you get yours. You can drink from my Pepsi if you want. So nice of him. So we got to talk for some time. I love the way he laughs. I love making him laugh. He's probably the funniest person I've ever met. I finally got my order and we walked up to Julio's office. He took a nap while I was eating.

And he does know how to act like a gay boy. I's just amusing. He and other people from Art's gang (Victor, Pablo and others) even grab each others' ass in public. They do things you wouldn't believe, things not even real guy people would do in public. It's ridiculous hilarious. And today, Ricardo left a note for Norman. It was a little heart, smiling and the note said:

Normi: you are soooo the cutest thing that I have in my life. Luv, Ricky.
Ps: youresocute!

Oh, God. I want a stuffed toy like *Ricky*.

Ok, getting back to my obese girl...we have so much in common. We both have extremely overprotective parental units and such. This morning I talked to her about my relationship with Veronica and Carmen. Just a quick sketch of what happened. She understood perfectly. She'd been through that, too. I love her. If you just saw her...she's really, really cute. I want a stuffed toy like my obese girl, too.

I got my math test result today. I got 2 out of 10. Aren't you proud of me? I know you're not. I'm not, either. Let's shake our heads in disbelief. Art and Vic looked at me very worried, and asked me why that happened. Shit, I don't know. But it's very discouraging, I tell you. I don't feel like studying anymore, it seems it's just useless. It seems no matter what I do, I'm bound to fuck up in math. I did 20 exercises this afternoon...but I feel it's no use. If you took the part of my life as a math student, you'd have the most depressed teenager you couldn't even imagine.

Yesterday, after I finished my entry, I thought that maybe I'm becoming self-centered because maybe I have no one to take care of. I truly appreaciate the fact that people is misteriously treating me..."normal". They hug me, kiss me, say hi to's almost ridiculous. Part of me was already used to be invisible. No, I'm not dissing anything of what's happening. I was just sharing my youth trauma.

And......I guess many other things happened this day. I mean, many things happen in every person's day, but it's just part of the routine. Nothing considered worth-telling.

Uh, yeah, one more thing. The thing that made my day. I was walking to the girls' room and the guy was coming in the opposite direction...he extended his hand, I extended mine and we both touched each other's palm. Weird, stupid shit, I know. And wait, it gets worse.

When I arrived to the restrooms, I closed the door, lied against it, sighed, grinned and felt...wonderful. Just like in the movies. I know, I know...I'm terribly dumb for getting excited over senseless, meaningless things. But what can I do....It helped me go through the day....and by the way, his birthday is next wednesday. I got him a present...a teddy bear. A little one. It's black, very precious. But I don't know if I'll get to give it to him (there's an awkward atmosphere whenever I try to give him something). I'm practically nothing special to him, you know. So I might as well keep it and laugh behind his back.

Your stupidity is so real it bleeds. I came up with that, when I saw Mtv's Jackass, live, on my school bus this morning. Stupid kids. I hope puberty does something good for them.

So...I'll go take a bath. I didn't believe you could catch a cold just by sleeping with wet hair. I just had that experience, last week (I was sick, in case I didn't mention it).

I'm starting to think I need more human contact. Part of me denies that, because of the acceptance of my isolation. Part of me is tired of giving everything to people, just to wind up like a ripped rag doll, forgotten under the bed. But I need someone to hug. Someone who'd hug me. Like the obese girl...but I don't spend that much time with her, because she's got other friends to be with. Maybe a boy? I love the boys I know, but...I don't know. The ones I like are unreachable to me (yeah, I sort of wished I could get to know Ricardo better...). I just happen to need someone for me. I mean, it seems everybody has someone for them. Not necessarily a lover. Like I told the obese girl, I haven't had a best friend since 8th grade.

Maybe I should keep the teddy bear.

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