24 hours of crying, because I'm trying to change and you keep tearing me apart.
Monday, 03/28/05 - 10:19 pm.

It's been a strange day. A horrible day that began at midnight, when I went to bed with $40 from my brother, and a huge knot in my throat. I couldn't sleep because I was crying, torn to shreds by all the things Joseph has said to me, that suddenly weighed like a ton.

I died for like an hour. And when I say die I mean I was trying to stop myself from screaming. It was 1 am, and I decided to call him. Mostly to upset him, just to wake him up. I was going to say is it true that I was 'rancid' the first time you called?...he'd called me on sunday afternoon, and to my knowledge, I was happy to hear him. I know he said it joking, but it was at 1 am that it was killing me. The phone rang and rang, but I take it the call wasn't even recorded. Still, it kind of made me feel better, I'll call him whenever I can't sleep, just to piss him off.

My brother Alan had to be at the airport at 7 am, so I woke up at 5:30. That was just another reason to cry, and it wrecked me to see him leave. Alone, too. It fucked with my head, when he was boarding the plane. So on the way back home I took a fetal position in the backseat, because of my brother, Joseph and the lack of sleep. And I cried some more.

My parents, my sister, my nephew and I had gone to the airport. They decided to go have breakfast, when I just wanted to go home and keep crying. But breakfast was quite nice, it took my mind off things for a while. I ate a lot, to my own surprise. I wasn't even hungry, but I had a big breakfast. I suppose I was feeding the void.

Finally, home. At about 9:30 am. I cried for half an hour and then I slept until noon. Sleeping was some kind of placid denial I wasn't eager to abandon, but at noon the temperature rises and I wasn't comfortable anymore.

Instead of eating lunch, I downloaded Aerosmith bootlegs (yay). And I kept thinking about driving to the mall. I'd told Joseph about it yesterday, I asked him to come with me, and he said I could give him a call if I got around to do it.

I cried a little more, and hesitated, and moved slowly, but in the end I was ready to drive to the mall. I prepared a package for my friend Nicole in Florida, and got some money to buy Priscilla a card, since her birthday is in april. I told my dad I was going out, I'll ask Joseph to come with me, and all he said was he'd take the car out of the garage (we have two cars, the golden one and the gray one...the former is basically my dad's, and I prefer the latter, only it's hard to take it out of the garage).

- Joseph: hey.
- Me: hey...are you busy?
- Joseph: uh...yeah, kind of.
- Me: oh, ok.
- Joseph: why?
- Me: I'm going to the mall.
- Joseph: oh.
- Me: that's ok. Bye.
- Joseph: is that ok? [...] are you sad?
- Me:...yeah.
- Joseph: why?
- Me: long story.
- Joseph: we'll talk tomorrow, I'm going to the university.
- Me: yeah. Bye.

I was highly disappointed, but before I could cry again, I asked my mom to come with me, and she nicely agreed. She said she'd heard Joseph was coming with me and asked why he wasn't. I made some excuse as to why he couldn't make it. Be careful, you're very distant, she said, and I guess she thinks he's cheating on me, or something. Then just ended up stating we [he and I] should indeed go out.

The trip wasn't a bad thing at all. I went to buy the card, to mail the package and I even went to the bank to make a $40 deposit. My mom was just sort of tagging along, the truth is I could've done it all by myself. But I needed some support, something that'd give me the strenght to avoid crying while I was walking around the mall. And my mom made the deposit, because the mall was packed (last day of vacation), and so was the bank. She stood in the seniors' line. Bless her heart.

I had no trouble with the car, except for once. But even that didn't ruin my confidence. I have become more confident in my driving, something I thought would never happen. I didn't expect such traffic today, but I handled it very well, and I parked with no problem.

Then I came home, at about 4. And I cried until 6. I swear I couldn't stop. And I thought of so many things I want to tell Joseph, and I...I even cut myself. Yes, I'm...well, I'm not sorry, except for Angel. It kind of made me feel good, it was a fucking revenge, because all I keep thinking is how to get back at Joseph for hurting me. I can't do anything to him, but at the very least he'll be mildly impressed if he notices.

I have never cried like I've been crying these past 24 hours. Because really, I'd never cried for 24 hours. I couldn't sleep because I was crying, and then I cried myself to sleep. I cried in my sleep, and I woke up crying, and the whole day has basically consisted of me looking for corners where to curl up and cry without being noticed.

In spite of me, I also cried for my siblings, because they're all leaving. They've all left home, and by october this year I'll have my three brothers living abroad, two in Texas, one in Spain. And it's just a matter of time until my sister goes to Mexico to get her PhD...with my nephew. My dad says my turn will come, but I don't see it happening. Case in point, though, I hate to see my family dividing like that. But to be fair, we remain close, and phone calls are made every week. At least "home" is something I've never lacked of.

Back to Joseph. You know what could be? He's turned his back on me. He tears me apart with his criticism, and when I try to make up for it (because this time around I'm actually trying) he turns his back on me, he abandons me and critices me more, because what I'm trying to do is not enough.

First thing I tried was going to the movies. No, we wouldn't see the movie. Then I tried the small restaurant near my house, because I dared to drive there by myself, and we could meet up there. You're a coward, and very lazy. I tried the mall today. I'm kind of busy. Gee, thanks a lot for your support. I was doing all this for you.

And then there's the time I called him (two weeks ago?), when we hadn't talked for a week. I finally reach him and he starts to talk about what's on TV with the damn friend that was in his room at the time. And he always has this thing of changing subject, I'm telling him something serious and the response I get is that X thing is on TV. Or I say something wrong (like a certain character is from some place when it's from other) and then he goes "ssshhh", just to annoy me. It's like he's pushing my buttons just to make look like everybody else, who eventually gets desperate with him.

He may forget that not everybody functions like he does, I certainly don't. Changing parts of your personality isn't easy, but I've tried to change, I've tried to be a better person, for and because of him, but he keeps putting me down, first telling me to change and then ignoring my desperate tries. Probably words can't hurt him, but they've hurt me. They cut me, literally.

See, now when I think of him, I don't think of love. I think of hurt, and damage.

I really don't think he'll show up tomorrow, either.

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