One skip-able entry.
Thursday, 8/8/02 - 2:00 pm.

I feel very stupid and regretful.

But before I tell why, the "reflection morning" or however they call it was not bad at all.

Rooms A and D got on the bus and went to the next town, where there was this..."house" or something. Norman bled three times because of his pimples. I touched his nose when it had a little drop of blood, and I showed it to him. Blood of his. Pretty cool.

Ok, so we were separated in groups. In my group there were Ricardo (it's his birthday today, so I gave him two cans of coke) and Art. The first activity was to think about our past in school and then discuss it with a partner. Art and I sat together, and I told him this has been my best year at school, I've found so many good friends...him (Art), Vic, the obese girl, et al... We didn't even finish our conversation when we were told it was time for a break.

He's very sick, he was coughing and shit. "Smoker coughing", like he calls it. I told him I had a cigarette in my backpack. He only ask what'd my parents say if they found out...he stated Romeo&juliet's are very good (the name of the cigarette brand is Romeo & Juliet). We ate together all kinds of junk food and also shared them with other people and viceversa. It was great. A lot of people was playing the usual soccer match on a field, and Art begged me to let him play (I'd said no because he was sick and he'd just eaten, but he's just a 9 year old child you just can't say no to). Meanwhile, I joined the obese girl, Sophie, Betty and Adri, who were playing on the swings.

It was 30 minutes break, but everybody was having such a great time, that it lasted 45. I had a small fight with Vic, but I stopped when I punched his head. He can't hit me so he was just trying to defend himself and drive me into the ground.

It was around 10:30 am (basically, we had "reflected" for only half general, the whole "reflection morning" lasted one hour...the rest was fooling around with friends) and we got all together for a small pep talk about our future. Then some other activities and to finish off, a prayer and lots of hugs to everybody. I hugged all of my friends. God, I love them so much.

On our way back, I sat with Carmen and I made her laugh. Sometimes she looks so distant I don't even talk to her. She did look distant in the morning, but fortunately, things seemed to pick up around noon.

And now I'm home. I'm waiting for my friends to come over. Mars, Norm and Rod. A guy named Pereira was coming over, too, but he made up some excuse. We're going to work on a radio show. It's gonna be fun. Athough it's really hard to record it, we always laugh.

Ok, if I had such a great day, why do I feel so regretful? because of, well...because of me.

Hi, I'm very stupid.

In the morning, we all (the two classrooms) were meeting in the hallway. We left around 6:55 am, the time he was arriving school. I was walking out of the hallway and I saw him...I ran back into the hallway, to say good bye to Cel (and yeah, by the way, to say good bye to him)...he saw me approaching, and I saw him approaching and I was going to run by him and only say good bye, but he just grabbed me and wouldn't let me go. I wasn't expecting that move, so my entire plan to just-see-him-and-let-myself-be-seen-by-him came downhill, and so did my scheme of behavior. He had a nice "glad to see you" look and I smiled but I asked him to let me go, while desperatelty trying to slip off (I still don't know why, since I love being held by him). I started screaming to Cel, saying good bye, but she didn't listen. Then he just let go of me and I kept running to say good bye to her. Only later I realized that I pretty much acted like I didn't care for him. I could've at least bite him or...fuck, say something else other than "hey, they're going to leave without me" (I said it smiling, but still...). I feel bad, I put myself on his place and I know that if he had done that to me, I'd have felt bad and not cared for. I tried to see him when I got back to school, before my parents picked me up, but I couldn't. Damn...and I had brought him a piece of wood.

So my fucked up behavior it's what has fucked it all up to me. I'm sure I won't see him tomorrow so it's gonna be until monday. I hope I'll find him online tonight.

My friends will be here anytime soon. What a lame entry, huh? I had a great time, though (well, if we do not mention my fuck-up...something hard to do, believe me). I just don't know how tu put it words.

Damn myself.

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