Wednesday, 04/22/09 - 10:13 pm.
So I'm minding my own business last night when I get an IM from Joseph, asking if I could help him with something related to statistics. I get annoyed, because I do not remember anything about that, but I say ok. He goes offline and I celebrate.
He comes online again and he starts talking. Something's off. This is not Joseph. I comment about that but it's too subtle. At some point during the explanation, I want to address "him" as Carmen, because I know it's her. And yeah, she said it was her eventually. And all I could reply was "yeah, no problem" and I kept trying to help her. Or rather, her stupid friend.
She's nice. She talks to her friends the way Joseph talks to his, by calling them insulting names. We couldn't help her friend because her friend is heavily dumb as a brick. Carmen and I ended up making fun of her, and we even joked a couple of times. I added her to my contact list, but maybe one of us, or both, will block/erase the other or just plainly ignore her; it was just to help her friend. I'm telling you, though, she's nice.
Enough of the bright side.
I started to cry when I closed the conversation window. I blocked her and Joseph. I have nothing against her, and part of me thinks it's neat we met and that they came to me for help. But it's strange nonetheless. You know how sometimes I talk about being replaced? It was her who replaced me; quickly, drastically. She's my upgrade in Joseph's life. She's his wife. This is the girl that one day showed up at Joseph's door to live with him, while I still called him my boyfriend.
At the beggining of our conversation after revealing her identity (that I already knew of), we joked a little but then she told me that Joseph had just farted. I said that he was showing he didn't like math, as neither of us did, but I thought that was way too much information, regardless of her intention behind bringing him up, if there was any other than making fun of him. I thought it was a little immature. It was a huge WTF moment.
Dear diary: she looks a little like a troll. I shouldn't say this because is the hurting ego talking, and because in reality she's nice, but I can't help it. She does.
I was telling Art about her, and he joked that I was becoming friends with her. I told him I don't think I could be. I like her. I like Joseph. But I still can't wish them the best. I look at the calendar and realize they've been married for a couple of months now, and I say impatiently "so, how much longer before they start having problems?". I think they may never have problems, because they do seem taylor-made for each other (and this hurts me too). But still I wonder. Still I'm not capable of wishing them well.
I told my friend Michelle about this and she asked something like, does she not care how you feel? Does she realize what position you're in?. I suppose I've been good at giving the wrong impression; like I'm entirely in peace, entirely unhurt. Quite the contrary. In fact, today I did feel offended that they tried to fool me into thinking it was Joseph. I didn't fall for it but I also didn't act like I should have, which was saying her name and then carrying on like I didn't care. Truthfully, I didn't care that much who she was while it was happening.
So, um...I don't know what else to say. It wasn't unpleasant talking to her but still I went to bed crying (I got a strange stomach cramp, I don't know if it was psychosomatic or the milk I had for dinner). I was genuinely ok, but way deeper in me, I was hurting. I mean...this is Joseph's wife. These two words contain all the pain I've felt since october; I don't blame her for this horrible pain, but with her coming into the picture, it was inevitable. I have written so much about this by now that I can only look down and let myself cry from time to time.
prev / next