Saturday, 04/25/09 - 10:33 am.
Nephew #1 turns 17 today. Oh, my! He's turning into a big boy, driving himself, applying to jobs and college scholarships. Happy birthday, kid!
Two nights ago, Joseph IMed me. It was a little...I don't know, heartbreaking, I guess, because my nickname was velociraptor and he was trying to say "rawr" (but couldn't remember what it was). When we were dating, that was my way of greeting him if that was my nickname. It wasn't really heartbreaking, but it made my heart soft...like, "aw, man, you remember that".
But I knew better, too. He finally said "RAWR!", I said "good one" and he sent me an icon I hate because it conveys a "yeah, whatever". So I decided I had nothing to reply. Time passed, I kept talking to Art (yay) and then another message from Joseph: "interesting nickname" (I'd changed it). It was lyrics from Hand Springs by The White Stripes, a song about -I think- losing someone you like to somebody else, because you are pathetic. Yeah, I totally relate. I said it was catchy. Joseph replied "that's not why I say it". "Oh. Ok", I said. And I went silent again, because I really didn't care why he said it.
I believe he tried a third time. Maybe not...oh, yeah, he sent me icons, and I replied with icons and no more. The point is, I think he was trying to make me talk about my conversation with his wife three nights ago. I mean, he never talks to me anymore, and then here he is, trying to play my game by rawring. Sure, I'd have liked to tell him I took offense that they both seemed to think I'm stupid enough not to realize it wasn't him I was talking to. But I'm keeping it to myself and to the rest of the Internet. As for starting a conversation after he insisted, I didn't care how he was. I know how he is: happily married, living with his parents and jobless. There's nothing to talk about.
It's funny, I still feel in love with him from time to time. But I'm very rational on this, healthy-rational. I know we don't belong together, for several reasons, and so I don't want to be with him. I don't need to. I just think of him and some things I adored about him; or I realize I'm driving down a road that a few months ago used to take me to his house, a place I kinda miss sometimes. I miss him, but getting back in touch with him would be the worst thing I could do. May 17th would've been our 5th anniversary. I'm happy with the way my life is right now, but some things still sting.
On a related note, last night I saw some pics of Al at the beach. He was with his on-and-off girlfriend and so I was convinced once and for all that I had no hope. I didn't feel bad. I felt relieved, actually. I like him, but I haven't felt a lot of chemistry between us. I do wish we were closer friends, because he's nice. And I wish he could come tonight to the concert CR and I are attending. I don't want to go only with CR, but I'm afraid that's how it'll be. Al is very busy with his animation gigs (good for him, though, he's doing something he's very skilled at).
Art was telling me last night of a picture in FB that's very painful for him. They're at the airport, for the farewell of a friend. His whole gang is there. Cel, his exgirlfriend, is there. And the ex after her is there. And the one who took the picture was his girlfriend at the time. And the father of the friend that was going away made him take a picture with the three of them. How awkward. His girlfriend at the time was being overly affectionate and Cel wasn't over him and drama ensued and etc.
Hearing that was a little painful for me, too. I know I'll never to be especial in that way for him. Cel is the love of his life, he told me a part of him will always drool for her (just as a part of me may always drool for Joseph). I know I'm especial to Art, I have no doubt about it. But at this stage of our lives, when you're in your mid-20s (HOLYCRAP), everyone has had a love of their life. Joseph told me I was that for him, but given the interesting turn of events, clearly he married the real love of his life and it wasn't me. He told me a lot of things that carried a "forever" that came to an end when our relationship did. I suppose it's always like that.
What I'm trying to say is that, after hearing him talk about his exes, and knowing how hung-up he was on Cel (hell, I was rooting for them in high school, to me they were the ultimate couple), I felt a little like a pasttime. I don't mean he isn't taking me seriously. He sends me text messages, "I'm home, I'll be online soon", "good morning, sweetheart" and other boyfriend-like stuff; he says he loves me. But our circumstances don't allow me, or us, to be more than a cute, lovey-dovey, remote-controled pasttime for each other. I wouldn't be 100% especial to him, like Cel was, or the way I was to Joseph...and even that loses its validity, for a reason stated above. At times I want to tell Art some things, but I'm scared I'll scare him away. I don't think this love is too deep.
And I don't know why I should be talking about this. I guess it's my swollen ego feeling slightly hopeless.
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