Friday, 09/13/02 - 5:14 pm.
There was a concert at school today. Excess baggage was playing. Since around these days we're celebrating "independence" Day, we're having these kinds of activities. Yesterday there was a guest that talked about our history....and it turns out that what we're taught about our history has nothing, nothing to do with what really happened. It's what the government calls "the official history". People in this country live in denial and blind, disposable patriotism, because they're lied to with preciously elaborated speeches. That's the system.
On to more specific, personal issues: hi, my life sucks.
Today I woke up with a necessity of telling Cel that she is all I've ever wanted in a friend. But I didn't see her in the entire day, because Art and her had been fighting...or something. They were together on every recess, always keeping some distance between one another (they have to be 9 feet from each other...although now it's just 3 feet and no one has told them to increase the distance), not exactly arguing...but they did look very unhappy. When I ran to her to hug her after the bell for class rang, she hugged me back but then she said: go to class. That's all I heard from her today. Art wasn't a whole lot different. I just wanted to know what was going on because they're my friends and I hate to see them that way.
So I went to the girls' room and I flushed the "you're everything I've ever wanted in a friend" down the toilet. No, not because I was mad at her...her behavior toward me kind of hurt me, but I understand they had their own problems. I just flushed them down the toilet because I couldn't find anything better to do with them.
Everyday it's the same emptiness. This morning, around 11:30 (time when the third recess starts) it increased to unbereable levels...and I just let myself fall on the floor, as if I had just passed out.
My life had officially collapsed.
I was on the floor, like I had just fallen from a second floor. OR, like a doll that had just gotten kicked off the rack by another toy.
Betty was coming back from the nursery and saw me.
- Betty: You look like a doll.
- Me: Thanks. I just fell.
Actually, I fell ages ago. I just woke up.
I was staying in the afternoon to work on my social service. I was hoping Denver would stay too, since he's part of the pastoral service, but he didn't (he's not a very commited guy, you realize, my voices replied to my quiet sigh of disappointment). So I just stayed with Norm, Carmen and Roberto. I wasn't pleased at all. They're a different crowd, I don't feel comfortable among them. They've had their own experiences as a group.
I tried to stay away from them. We were meeting at 1:30 to start working. No one had showed up when I arrived. No one did until 1:45. They started working at fucking 2:30. I got sick of waiting. I got sick of feeling alone among all those people (there are a lot of seniors working with the pastoral department). I got sick of being a good, responsible girl. No one's ever on time. I always wind up feeling like a loser....that has been taken for a fool, to add insult to injury.
So I just asked Phil to lend me his cell phone. As I was going to dial my father's number, I saw Karla's replacement (she broke her leg) approaching. Hey, let's get started!, people said. I didn't care. I dialed the number, and I asked my dad to come pick me up.
Fuck you. Fuck all of you, I'm going home.
Without saying goodbye to anybody, I left.
I remembered why I didn't like to have friends. In the end, they all treat me and make me feel...in a word, bad. So I tend to loneliness. And that's sort of a good thing, that way I won't get hurt yet again. But one day, I'll tend to suicide, because I'm also getting sick of being lonely.