Saturday, 10.16.2010 - 11:35 pm.
I went out with my boyfriend last night. My boyfriend being CR and Lighthouse. I texted Lighthouse asking him if we could go for pizza and he said yes, he and CR would show up as soon as they were done with their classes (I'm not quite sure about their classes, it's meditation and stuff).
We went to the oldest pizza parlor in the country, best pizza ever. I arrived a bit before them. While I waited for them, it came to my attention that part of the awkwardness between Lighthouse and I is because he doesn't ask me many questions. I'm a quiet person so usually I just play along with other people's inquiries.
When we spoke on the phone, he sounded very happy. It was friday and he'd just gotten paid. But he said he and CR would behave because they had decided to drink only on full moon nights (yes, yes: WTF!?). He was in a very good mood, he seemed happy to see me and asked me how I was doing. Aside from not asking me many questions, he doesn't strike as a very good listener, but we did good enough last night.
We caught up on our lives, barely. He said he had a lot of things going on, between work, art projects, "females" and other stuff...including, I assume, the death of a friend, which I mentioned like a week ago. But he's always very vague, never goes into details. I just know that once october ends, he'll be less overwhelmed and will be free to hang out more often, to probably we won't.
CR was more quiet, and he seemed a bit moody. I had that same feeling last time I saw him. I didn't ask him if he gave the letter to Joseph and he hasn't said anything, so I'll be patient and wait one more week to ask him.
Both guys had to go back to their school because Lighthouse is painting a huge mural there and CR is helping him, so we were together for only an hour or so. Lighthouse paid for the three of us. I'm always willing to pay half and hal or pay for my part, but sometimes he doesn't let me. It's my treat today, you'll pay next time. I think it's sweet that he does that, I appreciate the gesture.
You know what else appreciate? That they take a break from their schedule to see me. This is the third time Lighthouse shows up leaving something he's in the middle of. CR has a lighter schedule but he's also with Lighthouse most of the time.
Even though I saw them for just an hour, they made my night. I came home grinning as I'd grin if we'd gone to a concert and hung out for hours. The willingness to pause their schedule be with me even for a little while, the nice gesture of paying for me...these guys are so my boyfriend.
Tonight I went to my best friend Victoria's house. We were going out but she was out of money so she said I could drop by to her house and have dinner there. I just wanted to see her and catch up on our lives so however and wherever we did that, was a plus.
She starts a new job on monday. I am so, so happy for her, because she and I have been stuck in the same place for over a year now. Things are starting to change for her, and that makes me hopeful, things will change for me, too. If I keep trying. I do have to try harder. When she told me she finally landed her job, I realized I haven't done my best. So I'm taking measures to make sure I will start doing my very, very best.
It's nice that our conversations are starting to shift, too. I hope more and more we'll talk less about plans and more about reality. We have always kept positive, even when we felt dissapointed and hopeless. We always had the right words for each other: we are right where we have to be, we have a lot of blessings in our lives and wouldn't trade them for what other people have, and when we reach what we want we'll savor and appreciate it like the best thing in the world.
On love life issues, I'd showed her the letter I sent to Joseph (yes, I will post it here in its due time). She said it was perfect. I told her I've been getting a sense of closure since I gave it to CR to deliver it.
In fact, I've been feeling sorry for Joseph lately. About how unprepared he is to lead an adult life, even though he'll be 30 next year (I think...he was always so shady about his age, until I checked his ID and saw the age and the odd place in Mexico where he was born).
I tried to offer him a chance to grow up and grow old with me. I either didn't do it well or he just didn't want that. I am genuinely starting to believe that more than doing me a favor by breaking up with me, he was doing a favor to himself: had things kept going with me trying to develop and him refusing to do so, I'd have outgrown him and I would have been the one to end the relationship.
It sucks to realize this, you know? I don't want to sound like I'm justifying what he did, the way he ended things with me, because that devastated me and two years later, I'm still trying to recover. It also sucks because I had faith in him: I didn't want to break up with him over things that were in his fucking hands to change for the better. Sure, it's not easy to start over at 27, 28, but if he'd wanted to do that, he could have; and he had my full support. I just wanted him to find something to do that was: (1) useful to the world; (2) fulfilling to him; and (3) a source of income for the both of us as lifetime partners.
Speaking of Joseph, I ran into one of his exes today at the mall. Well, the only ex I personally know. When he broke up with me the first time, after a year of dating, she was his rebound. It hurt me seeing him with her but he was also a bit rude to her, as far as I knew. I don't know how far they went as a couple, she just seemed someone to keep him company. He used her, I believe.
I looked the other way and she did the same. It was awkward, in my mind it was: oh, great, we're both exes, "I'm another ex girlfriend on your list", as the song goes. I wondered if she knew the story of Joseph's marriage (perhaps she didn't care much or wouldn't be so shocked; she seems well-traveled and if she is, she must know that relationships come and go). I wonder if she knew what she was getting into when she became Joseph's girlfriend after me, and if she was hurt when he dumped her to return to me. I wondered what she thought and thinks of me.
All I know though is that I had a black hole in my stomach for a while after seeing her.
I tried to focus on being flattered: he had to get another girl to go on without me (and to make me jealous). Sweet. Dysfunctional but sweet. He needed a rebound girlfriend and afterwards he returned to me and we were together for three more years. Then I started to laugh when I revisited my current situation and it occurred to me that what he has, after breaking up with me for the second time, is a rebound wife.
It's not quite so in reality, but let me have a laugh or two. I am aware that this time, he really fell in love with the woman after me and yeah, he and I are not getting back together, ever. Actually, since writing the letter, I've been able to say that I don't want to get in touch with him ever again and mean it; no hidden agenda of wishing we got back together someday. It feels good that now whatever I think about his new life, I can say it doesn't concern me and it's a burden I don't have to put up with.
Gettig back together, it will never happen, but if for a second we assume one day he wants to return to me, I'd try to hold onto this thought: I am Jane's uterus' sense of betrayal. See, my male of choice went about impregnating other females. I see him tainted now. I hate the idea of having to deal or, worse, raise his spawn with other females in addition to my own. Also, your kid seeing you switch partners? That can seriously mess them up. I don't want to be part of that.