Monday, 10.18.2010 - 2:53 pm.
Yesterday I was cleaning my bedroom and a certain task required me to open a box in which I keep Joseph's picture. I didn't give much thought to it, "oh, it'll be nice to see him again" and I got it out.
And I couldn't stop staring at it. At him.
He's so handsome, you know. I loved his bone structure, the somber look in his eyes, the odd necklace he wore at the time, a hint of his ever-present black shirt. He's dreamy, at least for me. My fingertip slid down his face. I got a heartache and tears piled up. I told him that I was truly and completely in love with him, always will be. I told him how I wish he was still around and how I wish things had worked out between us. How I wish, if things had to end, that they ended differently.
Much later, in bed, I returned to the time, or rather, I pictured him in the time his now wife had just walked back into his life. I wasn't there, but I could imagine them living together in his bedroom, acting like roommates at first but then flirting and eventually falling for each other until they realized they just had to get married. This killed me a bit, if there was anything left to be killed in me about that subject.
Today, two years ago, Joseph broke up with me. I guess that means that also, two years ago, I became a certified psychologist, but that's not really what I think of on this date. Instead, I think of the very beggining of the most devastating period in my life so far.
I got my bachelor's diploma, the dean forgot to announce I was magna cum laude (much to my humilliation because I worked hard for it and I thought they'd taken it away from me and everybody who knew me was expecting it), and when I asked Joseph to join my family and I for lunch, he asked me to take him home. In the driveway he asked for a time-off in the relationship (he never said break-up). I didn't know that his now wife was already living with him.
I've tried to survive, I'm doing pretty well. I'm dying for him to get the letter but CR hasn't said anything and I'm afraid to ask if he delivered it yet. In general, since writing the letter, I think I'm on my way to a non-pathological mourning process. I felt like crying the whole day yesterday but just for him. Not for all of the things I have had to endure after the break-up. Just him. I hurt badly yesterday but I allowed myself to. I missed him so much and I just said to myself, "well, you're entitled to".
In case you're wondering, I'm in love with Joseph. But I'm not expecting anything in this regard. I'm not bargaining for absolutely anything. I'm in love with him but I don't need him. Sure, I DO want him back, but only if the circumstances of him being married and having fathered someone can be erased. Well, can they? If there's a way that things should be, this is it: not seeing him ever again. I pray for this. I pray for not running into him, his wife, his baby. I pray to be left alone.
Things may change soon:
- Joseph will get the letter soon, although this will only be for my peace of mind and not for any objective change in reality.
- I'm seeing JC today. He apologized for not being able to meet up over the weekend and tonight we'll get together for dinner. I think he'll say he's sorry about what he did to me and will let me know how he's doing with his girlfriend. I'm going to tell him he shamed me, he turned me into a rebound girl, he fucked me then left me to go back to his girlfriend, and that maybe someday I'll have the heart to forgive him, but today (especially today!) is not that day.
- I'm applying for a job tomorrow. Just today, when I was on the verge of tears because the most significant task of the day was to learn to use the new copy machine, my friend Virginia sents me a message telling me there's a position at a school, for a bilingual psychologist. Please, please, pray that I get it! I need the chance to stop being a robotic recepcionist and be the awesome psychologist I've always worked hard to become!
I don't know when Joseph will get the letter, if he'll even read it; I don't know if JC and I will end our relationship for good today; I don't know if my application will be accepted, let alone if I'll get the job. But it's nice to know that there's the possibility of things changing for the better.
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