Tuesday, 10/01/02 - 1:56 pm.
It still doesn't feel like october. Supposedly, in october all the gray clouds are swept away by the summer wind. But it's ok. I do love rainy weather.
Being october 1st today means there's one, exactly one month of school. High school is practically over, kids. Life as we know it (as I've known it) is finishing. This is the beggining of the end.
What if we never see each other again?, Elsy asked me this morning. We were sitting out of the library, in the hall, after the social studies exam, and we were talking. And she asked said question. We will, I answered.
I had the chance to talk to her again on phylosophy class. So when are you coming to my house?, she asked. One of these days. Definitely. She was the one who told me about getting out and making different things in my life, and I thought that the first step to do such, was to accept that kind of invitations. I'm usually the one who invites people over.
When I sat next to her, I wondered about my sexual preference. But that's mostly because I always have in mind the day she told me she's a lesbian. I didn't freak out. It wasn't a big deal for me. I still don't completely believe her, but in this world, there are nothing but possibilities. Could be, as much as could be not. I just think about it. I do like being with her. Not like a crush or anything, it's more like I wish we were closer friends, and we had more time to be together, and I had had her in my life for a longer time...because she is nice. So very.
Today I had written something in the palms of my hands...on the left palm it was we hurt our body and on the right palm it was to free our soul. I showed it to Vic and he...his jaw slowly dropped as he was reading. You are so fuckin' beautiful...write it down for me. Besides that, Cel gave me a piece of a broken mirror. Tyler was written on the back of it. I showed my left palm to Cel, and then the right one...she liked it, too.
The best part of my day was the last recess. The 15 minutes recess. For many reasons. First...no, wait. I'll leave that for the end, although it was the first thing to happen.
Anyway, after that yet-to-be-said event ocurred, I was on my way to the classroom, sadly smiling because of what had just happened (come on, you do want to know what happened...). And I saw Pablo. I waved at him and he saw my palm. What does it say?...I showed him...it was the same reaction I got from Vic: his mouth was opening, his eyes were popping out...how motherfuckin' 'cole'. He started following me...well, not "following", it was more like walking along me, diagonally. Hey, you and Vic made a blood pact, right?. I said yes. He asked why. I don't know...you wanna do it with me?. I know what he'd say, and I took the piece of mirror (my own, not the one Cel gave me) and gave it to him.
- Pablo: but, hey...do you have AIDS? I have AIDS.
- Me: I can handle it.
He couldn't slit his arm so he was going for the wrist.
- Pablo: No, wait...that's too dangerous....I'd bleed to death...imagine I start beeling like hell in class...
- Me:...and you raise your bloody hand to ask the teacher for permission to go to the nursery ...and you cover in blood the guy in the desk in front of you.
- Pablo: cool.
(that must've sounded very Beavis & Butthead-like...adding the fact that Pablo looks a lot like Beavis).
He was having trouble cutting himself. And as he was doing it, Vic showed up and noticed what we were doing. Pablo finished and I started to cut myself. Vic was just watching. Hey...why are we staying here?. Big mistake. We were in the middle of the hallway, and people could see us. I led them to my classroom, and I barely cut myself. We put our arms together, and he said: now you're my sister.
We got out of the classroom, and Vic was saying that I was cool for being the only one who understood this kind of behavior (self-destruction). I don't know if I understand. But it has given me two brothers. One who looks like Hyde, from That 70s' show (Vic) and the other one who looks like a mix between Kelso and Beavis. Yes, they smoke, they're self-destructive, they're a bit heartless when it comes to some situations, they are drunks...but they are my brothers. And I love them.
Right now, I'm wearing a band-aid. Getting hurt was nice. But healing is part of the process, too. That's when you are all reborn, and that's when the strenght and the beauty of self-destruction arises. You hit bottom, and the only way is up, you realize you won't be ashes your entire life. All the wounds I got from my first self-mutilation phase have disappeared. There's not even a scar. Except for the one I got with Vic....but even that scar is disappearing, when I thought it'd never do.
The body can heal its own wounds. Unlike your heart, which needs to be healed...which brings me to what happened before sealing my brotherhood with Pablo.
I was on my way to the classroom, (but way far back from the place I ran into Pablo) eating those nice little chocolates filled with cookies, when I saw Denver coming my way. Huh, great. He's going to walk on by. I let it go. I mean, I'm almost completely over him. So I was just looking around, until I realized he hadn't changed his course. He was coming right up to me...he didn't move aside. He was in front of me. And he waved at me. And I waved back. And I offered him chocolate. And he got one. And he saw the writings on my palms. And read them. And grabbed my right hand and put it in the right side of his face. And did the same with the left. I did realize I was touching his face, when my palm touched his cheek. Then he repeated the sentence to himself (he claimed it didn't make sense...gramatically speaking) and then walked away.
I walked away, my own way, on the opposite direction. Smiling with sadness. Smiling, happy, because that means he's not mad at me. Because I actually had physical contact with him, after so long. Because I wasn't disappointed in any way. In fact, it was much more than I was expecting. And after it happened, I wasn't expecting anything else to happen between us, I'm totally aware of the fact that everything is over. Which means, I'm out of hope...in a good, healthy, realistic way.
And sad because...I wish I had never had reasons to have to get over him.
And, Simeon says, by definition, the rest is just benefits.
I don't know what he means by that, but I like the word "benefits".
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