My best friend comes visit me and I lose my voice.
Sunday, 06.01.2014 - 8:42 pm.

So, my dear friend Priscilla came and went. It could have been awesome but I got sick and it rained nearly everyday. Mainly, the former. We still had a great time together, Andrew was a delightful host whenever he could, and it was like time had not passed for the both of us as friends.

I got sick after attending Andrew's sister wedding last weekend. I'm guessing my defenses are lowered when I'm exhausted, because it was a long trip. A good one, really, there was no family drama and while the wedding arrangements were all on the families of the bride and groom, I didn't feel the tasks were consuming. I did have to drive all the way back (from Andrew's sister's town to his parents' town), for three hours or so, and then Andrew and I had to stay on the side of the highway waiting for a bus to get us home, another two hours, almost.

That was sunday. I woke up with a cough, aching body and a slight fever on monday and cancelled everything. I woke up the next day feeling the same way and also cancelled everything, to my dismay. Priscilla was to come that night. And the weather got bad: rainy, cold, filled with smoke from the chimneys. Andrew and I went to the airport and those conditions killed me.

Still, she had it worse: the plane was diverted to another city because it couldn't land on our own due to the smoke. Indeed, Andrew and I headed back home from the airport and you couldn't see more than a few feet away. Priscilla borrowed a cell phone and called me when she landed in another city, asking what to do. I told her the best she could do was to take the bus to here, so she'd arrive five hours later or so.

Andrew went to pick her up then. I stayed home because my cough got worse and it was 1 am. We stayed up talking until 2 am, which isn't a lot until you remember I had class that day, at 8:30 am. I went. I could barely talk and cancelled most of it.

Still, I had to take her places. And that I did, but it wouldn't stop raining. We caught up with our lives on wednesday and by thursday I lost my voice. What good is having your best friend around, someone who lives in another country, if you can't talk to her? I was angry at all the bad timing: the sickness, the bad weather.

Andrew had a busy week on his own, but he still took time to be a wonderful host. But he and I didn't interact much, except for him being moody/tired and snapping at me and me being angry and hurt about it. And I couldn't even talk to him (still no voice), I felt trapped, I was forced to bottle it all up...meh, even when I have voice I do that, at least for a while. But anyway, he'd make up for it in the days to come.

Thursday and friday were the worst days for me. The meds were giving me reflux and once the reflux filled my lungs with air until I threw up (?). It felt like an exorcism. Priscilla didn't seem to relate my sickness to the fact that we were all around town under a bad weather...which is bad in a way (she's back home and wrote me saying that I should change my habits...what?), but also good, because I didn't want her to feel guilty. She came from so far away just to be with me, I had no other choice. I mean, the other choice was to be locked up in our apartment the four days she was here.

I cancelled my academic activities on friday. I couldn't talk to her but at least the sun came out. That night we were going out, we wanted Priscilla to meet some of our friends. They all had a great time and I was dying, trying not to cough too much. And I was angry for missing all this, even while being present. Priscilla and our friends got along so well and had a nice conversation over drinks going on.

She took the plane back home on saturday afternoon. Saturday was supposed to be a day for a road trip. It fell through. For one, I had to drive and I was in no shape to do so. Then the weather was umpredictable: it could rain all day while we were out, or it could be cloudy/smoky at night and that plane (the one she was originally scheduled to take) may be cancelled. So she left at noon. She left happy and grateful, as was I, but I was also bummed and angry and frustrated that I couldn't give 100% while she was here.

I've been resting since saturday afternoon until now and it doesn't seem to go away. I cough less but the whole physical discomfort is still upon me. I'm afraid I'll have to cancel everything tomorrow too and I hate that, but I just can't function properly yet.

When she left, Andrew said we'd stop by the pharmacy and the supermarket so he'd get everything to take care of me properly, like he should have during the week. I did get the feeling that he was far away from me, I even felt abandoned; I figured it was a bad mixture of him having a busy week and me tending to Priscilla. But it was reassuring that he said that, and he has indeed been taking care of me all weekend, making soup and hot beverages and giving me my meds.

Throughout this, I've been trying to be mindful of my sickness and I've found I've been neglectful of some things. There's a physical side and a psychological side as well. I looked up a few of my symptoms and what I took away from my research is that I need to go to the doctor.

Last but not least: I was telling, well, whispering to Priscilla how Andrew and I wanted to go get our PhD abroad next year.

- Me: We're thinking the US, Canada...the UK has always been a dream of Andrew's, and I'd like to go, but I don't want to go so far away from my family.
- P: If that's what's stopping you, don't let it. My husband and I have the whole world to go to [we'd been talking about her own plans with him to move to another country]. Same as you. You can go whenever you want.

And with that, I accepted that I want to study in the UK. When I say my family I mean my parents, mostly because I fear my mom's cancer may return, or something else may happen to my mom or dad. I guess I want to "feel" close so I can travel quickly if necessary but, but...I still can go wherever I want, right? And it's just to study, four years tops. And it's just a possibility, just allowing myself to try and dream, and share that dream with my husband-to-be.

I hope I will recover soon, I need to carry on with my life.

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