To remember, to publish, to change, to look up to.
Friday, 05.22.2015 - 6:45 pm.

It feels like saturday today. Yesterday was a holiday and for some, like Andrew and myself, it continued today. I always say I'll use these breaks to work on my writing but I end up catching up with work and doing other things. Things that feel good, though, like taking a nap. Oh, yes.

Today I had a to-do list, but it was tossed away by a phone call from Andrew's...cousin? Cousin, I believe. She's one of Andrew's grandfather's caretakers (bless her), as well as his niece, and she was calling Andrew to let him know the 12 o'clock mass was in memory of his grandmother. She passed away two years ago. So we went.

During the service, the priest mentioned her name. And then he mentioned Andrew's brother's name and I cringed. His grandmother passed away two years ago on the 22nd (or 21st?), and his brother five months ago (not six, like I said a couple of entries ago), on the 23rd. Hard to believe. Two relatives in the same breath. For some reason I didn't think of his brother before, so hearing his name took me by surprise and created a knot in my throat. And whatever I feel regarding his death, it's not compared to what Andrew feels.

And...well, I don't know what else to say. The editing of my book is kind of, sort of, coming along. I make the first payment and mail my contract on monday. The manuscript has been submitted for preparation, I'm only waiting for the prologue. My contact at the publishing house says it may be ready by september. Cool. I'm not celebrating anymore, until I have a copy in my hands.

Oh, I got some feedback on my performance as a professor this semester. It was a blow to my ego. Students had to fill in a form anonymously, with strengths and things to improve. I didn't bother to read the first, I know I'm kind of nice. The things to improve ashamed me because they were true, some of them, and I'm sorry I didn't see it. I spent a few days moping privately, I gave myself permission. Now of course I'm rearranging what's left of the course to try to redeem myself a little. I just want them to learn, I want to be a good teacher.

Other things did make me angry, but because those spoke of their weaknesses, not mine. I'll take responsibility for my actions and will make reasonable demands, but I will not apologize for making them work hard.

I've been feeling unmotivated with my main job, I'm seriously disliking the tasks I've been given these weeks. They're all over the place, I'm doing work and then undoing it, so, for once, my boss is getting on my nerves. At least I have stopped fantasizing about moving to the UK and the like. I'm here and I can only work hard to get over and be done with those tasks as soon as possible.

Tomorrow is the canonization of the most wonderful salvadoran. He was a friend of my dad's family, and during the war he used to live a few blocks away from our house, in a tiny chapel. He was murdered by the right wing in that chapel, he was shot right in the heart in the middle of mass. I'm not very religious but if there's ever a reason to be, if there was ever a way for religion to truly improve the world, he embodied it. Andrew and I got our wedding rings blessed in that same chapel last year. Right next to it there's a small hospital for terminal cancer patients, and I worked there for a couple of months before I came to Chile. Oh, man. I'm getting emotional.


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