Carry on, nothing to see here (yet?).
Saturday, 05.30.2015 - 9:16 pm.

I'm starting to get uneasy, we should be hearing from the scholarship committee anytime soon. I'm starting to get impatient, and Andrew and I have made plan B if we both get rejected: try again in Massachusetts. That sounds great, now that we have much more experience on how to apply for a PhD. It wouldn't mend our broken hearts over losing this chance but it'd mean we keep on trying.

May is coming to an end and so is a notebook I've been writing in for months. It's made me very prolific, it kept me updating my three blogs and this one. Since I came to this country I've received plenty of pretty notebooks as gifts, so of course I have already chosen the next one, to continue writing and monitoring my writing.

So...there you go. I'm waiting for news and I hope all goes well and I also hate hoping. I, we still carry on with our lives as if nothing is going to change within the next month. It may not change, in fact. I may teach another course at the university, although I've been obsessed with my class this semester and in a bad way. I'm stuck on what I'm doing wrong and I'm constantly fighting in my head against my students, who couldn't detect the main ideas in the text to save their lives, holy shit. So I'm bitter, between my lack of competence and theirs.

On the bright side, my book is coming along. I think. Maybe? I haven't received the prologue from my friend Ana so I can forward it to the editors and have the manuscript completed. But I sent in my contract and half the payment this week so the wheels should be in motion anyway. I hope to hear from the editors soon, anyway, to see design and whatever else they're in charge of doing.

Ana also offered me to write a 500-word column in one of the two biggest newspapers in our country, because two people are leaving their posts. Oh, Lord, how I thought about it. But I passed. The part of me that is filled with grandiose delusions regrets it: a soapbox! Exposure! The rest of me is ok with my decision. I'm trying to keep up with my writing and my jobs, and I'm very sensitive to internet trolling and harassing (though so far I've been lucky, considering the content and frequency of my posts in my blogs and social networks). Perhaps later, if the chance arises again.

I just want to hear from the scholarship committee. Regardless of the answer, I want to be done with this uncertainty. But in the meantime, and perhaps even after we hear from them, it's business as usual.

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