Wait and see.
Saturday, 09.10.2016 - 9:49 am.

JC is coming after all! He's coming on Monday afternoon and will stay with us until Thursday afternoon. I was happy about that, but then I started to get more concerned than excited about his visit, because now I won't get as much work done as I would like to this week. I may have to work a bit during the weekend to make up for it in advance.

There is another reason why I haven't feel that excited though. My mom isn't doing so well. During the week, Brother #2, a medical doctor (like Brother #1) translated some lab results from her follow-up consultations and it looks like the lymph cancer is back. We are still awaiting other exams to confirm this but he didn't sound too optimistic. He told me and the rest of our siblings in a WhatsApp conversation (the easiest way for all stay in touch simultaneously), but I don't know if he told the same thing to my parents. It could be that my mom knows, and perhaps my dad, too. She obviously realizes she hasn't been well.

The message from my brother felt...final. This is it. There won't be a third chance for my mom. The first treatment a few years ago, and the ongoing follow-ups, have been really rough on her body, and, benefits aside, left her exhausted and in pain. She's almost 80 (my dad turns 80 at the end of this month. His older brother, a few years older, is also dying of cancer. There's nothing that can be done for my uncle at this point but try to ease the physical pain).

My brother sent the message during the night but it was already morning for me. I broke down during breakfast with Andrew. I thought about a lot while I seemingly just sobbed uncontrollably. I guess I'll have to go spend Christmas with my parents, perhaps the last one with the two of them. I'll guess it'll have to be just me because we're in no financial condition for the both of us to make the trip. I guess I'll have to leave Andrew alone for the second anniversary of his brother's death right before Christmas' eve. Andrew told me three times, "go, go see them", and I know he would be fine, as he enjoys having time alone as much as I do, and traveling during the holidays is such a hassle. And truthfully, if I have to go back to my home country, I'd feel better if Andrew stayed so I won't feel I'm putting him at risk.

Plus, for him, the holidays don't seem to be such a big deal, it seems, even before the ordeal with his brother. They were for me, having spent 27 of them in a fun, cozy, family environment. Life has changed since then, and while I still get ridiculously excited for the season (which is about to start!) and perhaps always will, I'm coming to terms with the fact that holiday celebrations as I knew them may very well never happen again.

I also started to think about funerals and Jesus-what-about-my-dad (I'm sorry, my mom is better equipped than my dad to handle the departure of the decades-long spouse). But I'm not going to talk about that and not until it is needed. Here I will draw the line and say it's best to just wait for the results and see what the rest of my family says about planning a trip. Plus, Brother and SIL #1 are coming to visit next month (hooray!) and it'll be great to talk to one of my siblings in person about this.

So all that got in the way while I got the news of JC coming. Hence I haven't felt that enthusiastic, though I know we'll have a nice time catching up; he's taking a huge detour to come visit, I appreciate that. Besides, I'm over the worst case escenario with my mom for now. She's having that one exam we need on Monday, and then we'll see. Meanwhile, carry on.

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