Friday, 05.26.2017 - 10:49 pm.
This week kept me highly aware of my sexuality. I think I've mentioned this (I'm too lazy to go check), I currently have two crushes from the PhD program, a man and a woman, from the same Latin American country, but unrelated to each other. It was the department postgraduate conference this week and that gave me the chance to be with both of them. I mean, no, not *like that*.
See, I swear to God, I look at either of them and I melt. I get tingly all over. They're very good looking, Boy and Girl. With Boy I got a good moment on Tuesday, we had lunch next to each other. It sounds silly, and it is. We were with other PhD students at a deli in the Students' Union and, yeah, we sat next to each other. By chance, yes.
Then we talked while walking down the city centre, from the SU to the Psych department. It was just him and me talking and at some point he mentioned T, the professor I admire and in front of whom I made a fool out of myself. I told Boy that. Boy is in the neurocognitive sciences, as T is, so T contacted him regarding his presentation at the conference. Boy asked me if I knew who T was and I told him. That was it.
Boy is coming to our house on Monday to play Nintendo, Andrew invited him. Boy is in his 3rd year of the PhD, but he just showed up this year in the department because he'd been studying in Germany; he's not a psychologist, I think. I ship him and his best friend, who is also in his 3rd year (and is an astrophysicist!) and is from an European country. They look good together and actually seem to be always together, but his friend has a girlfriend. Which may not mean anything but most likely means everything. Andrew also says they'd make a good couple.
Then Girl...oh, Girl. She's in her 3rd year, too. I met her last year because we were using the same test. We met up once because of that, and another time I helped her with something related to that (can't remember what), and she gave me cupcakes as a thank you. I see her sometimes in the department but she just walks by and says something like "hello, darling". At the conference I felt the urge to speak to her to congratulate her for her presentation. Well, that was an excuse, but it paid off. She was reminded that I existed, and on the last day of the conference she sat next to me all afternoon(!). I was elated.
That same day we walked together from the university building where we had the conference to the wine reception at the department. Just her and me, walking and talking. We were speaking in Spanish, obviously, and she called me a word that usually means "homo" but in her country it means "buddy". She was saying something like, "I know, right, buddy?!" but I took it as "homo" and I told her in my mind, for you I am such.
When we got to the wine reception she left my side without saying goodbye and went her own way. But I appreciated having time with her. That night my brain crafted a vivid dream in which she kissed me, and I thought that was quite pure. I mean, when does my brain cater to my desires in such an uncomplicated way? Rarely, that's when!
I added her to Facebook and I melted seeing some pictures of her, and felt very bitter when I saw her with other girl from the department (and I am jealous of Girl herself because she has a twin brother. May I remind you of my username? I've always felt something, or someone, is missing from me).
These crushes have me burning up, Girl especially. Listen, it's not that I will act upon my feelings, I don't think I need to, and thank God neither Boy or Girl consider me a person of interest. But being married competes with my newly found acceptance of who I have been all along, and my wish to go explore and be the wrongly stereotypical version of a bi person, a promiscuous greedy fucker because, damn, aren't some people just gorgeous.
I am not a cheater, that goes without saying. In my moments with Boy and Girl I imagined, I pretended, I fantasized. It's not over, in my body, but that chapter is closed in real life.
In other news, I have a lot of small things to go through, things that should have been done during the week but weren't:
- Write to two friends from high school (I love that we're still in touch!).
- Send a revision of a scientific paper written when I was in Chile that is about to be published, yay.
- Write two micro-short-stories(?) to be considered for an anthology of female writers. I may not get selected but I hope I do, I fucking need this, I need the visibility (I love that my AF story has a character that says "I need to be present, I need to be seen, I need to perform". I didn't think of it at the time of writing that, but that could be said about my writing and about my sexuality).
June is approaching. My Meet & Greet with Steven Tyler and Joe Perry IS FUCKING APPROACHING AND SO FAR I'VE REFUSED TO EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. I may need to talk about this soon.