Saturday, 03.24.2018 - 10:23 am.
It's becoming my habit to come here and complain. I live with a hint of bitterness deep down, even though the conditions of my life are quite satisfactory. I suppose that if you have all your essentials covered, you can go on to suffer over petty stuff, which in my case is that I'm going nowhere with my writing (under the assumption that my writing is good enough to be getting me "somewhere", wherever that is).
Let me unpack this. My biggest complain at the moment is that I didn't hear back from the publishing house. I know publishers take their time, but this Monday it will be two weeks since I sent them my manuscript and I haven't gotten a reply. Is it because my email went to their spam folder? Did they take a quick look without opening it and passed? Did they open it and are giving it a chance? Did they give it a chance and passed? I don't know! All they say is "you'll hear from us if the answer is positive". How much do I have to wait to stop waiting? Perhaps this upcoming week I should move on and prepare a submission for another publishing house (a bigger one, thus I'm more likely to get rejected...but at least I know it will be within three months).
This waiting thing blocks me. I cannot write anything else while I feel that this story is ready but invisible. I fear the story will stay that way.
There's that, and there's my Simeon comic strip, I keep slipping in the same anguish of it not being read. I got a heart on Twitter and a laughing reaction on Facebook...I know it's pathetic, counting the reactions, but I love doing these strips and I invest in them a lot of time and ideas, showcasing a most intimate life in a veiled manner, so I'm very sorry that they're not relevant to other people. I mean, ok, they are just stick figures and talk a lot, but now they're in color! And they talk smartly! Still, it's barely interesting to the people who know me, which is why I get one or two likes after every publication. I guess my aim is to get one or two likes from strangers.
This week I've been worried about my PhD, too. My whole research has been undermined by my samples. Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if it wasn't for that toxic human being who plagues my academic program, and who would be delighted to hear me say that there was barely any transphobia in my results. I mean, I'm delighted, because that gives me hope for the world, but from him it's a "No one's 'transphobic', this is just your perception, you whiny Social Justice Warrior. And trans women are men, it's biology". My samples are made up of people who seem to already enjoy reading (hence they'd volunteer for a study on reading), lean to the political left, are either university students and mostly from Social Sciences, or older adults who like to volunteer. Most of them are female. It's the whole profile of people who are likely to have low anti-trans prejudice.
I guess I have to talk to my supervisors about all this. I still don't think I've wasted my time, but my contributions will be shamefully modest and painfully obvious. My concern, like I said, it's this toxic, right-wing white male, who will be out to get me when I present at the department's PhD conference this May. This has me feeling restless.
Anyway! These are private, and possibly inconsequential, woes of mine. Other than that, life is going well. Last week, Andrew and I celebrated seven years since we met/moved in together (I know, LOL). He's the best partner ever, who besides loving me and supporting me unconditionally, is also such a decent human being: He treats all people with respect, and is mindful of his own conduct in life. I think, I hope, I'm like that too, so that would explain why we're both very happy together. That's not to say we don't have our days of moodiness and misunderstandings, but they're not the norm in our relationship (and I get the feeling they became less frequent when we moved to the UK) and we solve them fairly quickly. I hit the jackpot with this one.
We went to Harry Potter studios in London last Sunday. We were worried because it snowed a lot and we feared the trip might get cancelled. I read all HP books and saw the movies last year, and I wouldn't consider myself a fan, but I love the world in which the story happens, and I appreciate some of the overarching themes. I went because Andrew was very excited about going and he wanted to share that experience with me. We had to walk in the snow up to our ankles at 7:30 am on Sunday to get to the bus, which I thought was nice and fun! I love the snow and never in my life I'd had the chance to walk so much in it. Luckily, the trip was still on, and I do think it was worth it. We had a great time together.