An unpleasant mood but things are OK
Saturday, Aug. 08, 2020 - 4:47 pm.

I'm very moody at the moment for no apparent reason. Maybe it's because I have to attend a friend's birthday gathering in a few hours. It'll be seven of us, the group of friends I have in this city.

I don't think it's a good idea that we meet, but I've succumbed to the group's dynamic. Nobody else said anything. The birthday boy is my friend K's husband, and K can start pulling emotional strings if I excused myself. Maybe I'm underestimating her and she'd truly understand without getting mad at me, but as you can see, I'm not risking it.

In any case, Andrew has to come back early because it's role game night for him with another group of friends. I haven't told him yet, and perhaps I should to add to the pressure to be back soon, but I've scheduled a call with my girlfriend tonight. Both of these things are to start at 7 pm, while our friend's birthday celebration starts at 6. And we're counting on the other friends to pick us up, and they may not be quite on time.

Regardless of other commitments, I don't think it's a good idea to gather like that. We've heard countless stories of people who caught and spread the virus by hanging out at parties. Andrew and I were downtown yesterday morning, running errands of mine*, while there's a warning that the city may go on lockdown again because cases are going up again. I told Andrew that was quite a reasonable excuse to skip tonight's celebration, but he didn't bite. I think he's also wary of having his emotional strings pulled.

* stupid privatized health and pension systems are a mess, and they're both taking away more money than they're allowed to rip off from me. All the paperwork I need to make that stop has to be done at their offices. I'm fucking exhausted by how nothing here works efficiently, and wasting time and losing money in the process.

Right, I didn't not expect to whine for so many paragraphs. So there you go, I am annoyed. So fucking moody and annoyed. I was snappy at my girlfriend this morning, and I apologized to her later, when I'd regained some of my emotional intelligence. I think Andrew and I are equally moody but thankfully we're just supporting each other rather than snapping at one another.

Ok, good things: Andrew and I have taken to partying on Friday nights. "Partying". We order sushi, we make screwdrivers and we put on music. We eat, we laugh, we get drunk-ish and we talk just about anything, just the two of us. It's becoming a thing, we've been doing it on Fridays for weeks and it's a joyous thing. I spend the week looking forward to that.

Another good thing: yesterday it was three months since I started talking to my girlfriend. Which is like our anniversary date, as there was no formal talk about dating and we kind of got it going in the first week. She sent me a lovely email, I sent her three responses over the day which made her scream, the first because it was a one-liner with me being a smartass, the second one was a proper response, and the third one was a "furthermore, I love you too" sent at midnight. I was already in a shitty mood yesterday so the second one was more formal than romantic, but I think I pulled this off nicely.

Another good thing is that we have this week off from work. Winter holiday, I guess. For some reason our university had skipped it this year, but people working there need it. Nevermind the undergrad students being on strike (even with the semester being taught online, go kids!), academics and admin staff need a proper break.

I'm still gonna work, but only for half a day. A change of pace will be nice.

I guess I'm also annoyed that I'm not making any meaningful contribution to...the world, to life, to anything, to anybody. I stopped writing the column for that online newspaper because I have nothing to say about my country, there are fpeople over there with a far better grasp on what's going on than me. My comic gets no attention, meaning it has nothing to offer to other people. And that's it. I'm silent. I'm invisible and I have no place anywhere.

I also keep thinking about my book. Should I contact the publishing house? I've paid half of the sum when we signed the contract, but I have no legal foundation to rush them. I'm now kicking myself for not thinking that the contract should establish a timeframe. I go back and forth from feeling terrified of being scammed to thinking they'll get to my manuscript soon.

In between, I ask "who cares about this stupid book?" Even if it's a good read and it says something of substance (I think it does, but I may be biased), no one will pay attention to it when it's out, because no one will pay attention to me promoting it. I'll lose money and I'll get my heart broken seeing how the story sinks into the depths of human history like a coin into the ocean. So then I go back to not being in a hurry and thinking "they'll start working on it soon".

I'm being so pleasant today, aren't I? I'm sorry.

More good things: we're healthy, my friends and family are doing mostly well (in fact, one couple that we're friends with welcomed a baby last night!), we earn enough to eat and keep ourselves warm, and we have a job that we mildly enjoy. This should always be my fuel to try to create something to pay forward the nice life I have. Maybe I'll get there one day.

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