Saturday, Mar. 13, 2021 - 12:20 pm.
I'm sorry I skipped an entry last weekend, it was for no reason in particular. On Saturday I wasn't in the mood to sit down and write, and on Sunday I spent the whole day writing a column for the online newspaper.
Three things that were noteworthy last week:
1. It was my ex Joseph's birthday. I said happy birthday to him. Being on "speaking terms" with him just means wishing each other well on occasion. I'm afraid that I appear more eager than him to keep in touch, which is somewhat embarrassing. I don't forget for a second that he's a chapter that's over, nor I care for frequent conversations with him. I'm just a nice person.
2. It was my 10th anniversary of arriving to Chile and meeting Andrew! I actually left my home country on Joseph's birthday, then it's three more days of anniversaries: arriving to Santiago the next day, arriving to my current city the day after that, and starting my master's and meeting fellow student Andrew the day after. He and I observed those four days and had a celebratory dinner. Andrew's one of the best things that's ever happened to me.
3. I told my girlfriend it was time to break up. I got mad over something, she got upset and sent me a letter, and I decided I didn't want to hurt her anymore. Hell, I've never wanted to hurt her! It's one thing to enjoy light drama ocassionally, it's another thing to actively cause someone pain.
I was horrified that I made her feel that way. I owned it, I apologized, I promised I'd work on not snapping so much, and told her it was time to break up, for what I'd done and to keep it from happening again. Her response was that my very own letter showed why our difficulties didn't warrant breaking up.
That also frustrated me, hearing that after she'd said stuff like she was not my punching bag, nor my pretty plaything. I apologized for making her feel that way, even though I'm sure I haven't treated her that way, even at my worst. Her point was her feelings of sometimes walking on egg shells when she's talking to me, because she doesn't know what may trigger me.
She said afterwards that she'd overrreacted with some parts of her letter. But those comments still hurt. And I still think she should've gone with the break up instead of being a saint with the walking on egg shells thing.
We exchanged a few emails about this, and I asked her to please not touch this subject for a while until I figure some things out. She, of course, wanted to give me all the space I needed. And that's where we're at.
We've had a pleasant week this week, most of the things between us have been worked out. But next time I snap and upset her, I'll break up with her without asking for her input. I try to be a better person, but I'm still overly sensitive (perhaps being practically locked up for a year doesn't help), and I won't be subjecting her to that anymore.
/ End the three noteworthy things.
More things this week:
Being offered (and me accepting!) to conduct a lecture on LGBTQ+ identities and the neoliberalist model. Hell yes learning!
Figuring out paperwork for my research grant before it starts next month.
Being late on my period, which hadn't happened in a while, but it was mostly due to stress.
Wishing my dad left this plane of existence already after sending a horrible meme for International Women's Day, after which he half-assedly apologized. My poor mother, holy fuck. I just want her to be free of him.
Being horrified at stuff happening in my country by orders of the government, knowing that my siblings, a nephew and so many other people I care about are at risk, while my dad supports the government.
All I want to do is spend this weekend in my Happy Place, writing and doodling. But then, due to the latter point above, I suppose I should invest some time in at least raising the little online voice I have.
This upcoming week I have scheduled a conversation online with two writers for a book fair. I don't know who they are and I'm sure they don't know me either. I'm not looking too forward to this, but I always have some faith that I'll get someone to buy my book.
And this is all for now. A year into the pandemic, we're still on lockdown although few people care to follow the rules or can afford to follow them anymore. Andrew and I do and can, though, so here we are, living the life of an indoor cat and loving it.